This is an interesting topic because I feel that many people completely miss the point.  A Friend with Benefits is not just a hook up.  It’s right there in the title- FRIENDS, with benefits.

I often let people know that if you won’t be my friend, there will be no benefits.

The alternate to this is a No Strings Attached partner.  (NSA).  Friends- is a string.

A NSA partner is someone you may hit up occasionally for sex.  Period.  In general there is no expectation for them to come hang out with you or even talk to you in the times between the hook ups.  I had an NSA partner for a short time last year.  The conversations often went like this:

Him: Hey.

Me: Hi!

Him: You free later?

Me: Around 9?

Him: Perfect, see you then.

I’d show up to his place, and yes we would sometimes sit and chat a little, take a shot of tequila or have a little to smoke together.  However, it was minimal.  Within about 15 minutes of me entering the door we were back in the bedroom within about 5 minutes of the exchange being over I was dressed, kiss on the cheek and out the door.

It was easy and efficient.  The Con’s about NSA is that schedules don’t always align and sometimes the response to one of our “You free later?” messages was “Can’t tonight.”

A “Friend with Benefits is a more casual sexual relationship with someone you actually don’t mind spending time with.  I currently have one FWB, who is in another state, but I have been visiting there often lately for other personal reasons.  My last trip I spend three evenings with him.  For each of them, we hung out, talked about life, work and family, had a meal and even cuddled (a little) as well as the sex.  We are both well aware of the other persons partners, we practice ethical and consensual non-monogamy.  He is someone who I consider a friend.  Someone that I would buy a birthday gift for.  Someone who offers to pay for dinner.  We schedule our time together and stay in decent communication in between.  We are friends.

For myself, I find this to be the most satisfying relationship model.  I’m not at a point in life where I have the time or energy to really invest in a romantic relationship.  However, I do enjoy the company of men, and I enjoy having a semi-regular sex life.  With him being in another state though, I had to ask myself how many FWB’s do I need to have a ‘regular’ sex life?

In my experience, in order to have sex at least once per week, you probably need 2 or 3 people “on rotation.”  How many of your friends do you spend time with every week?  More often than not, these men also have a “rotation” of their own so you are also fitting into THIER rotation also.  I find that with 2 or 3, there’s a good chance for meeting up with someone weekly.  4 would be the ideal, but only because there’s a high probability that one or two will fall off of the rotation after a month or two.  Eventually you get an idea of how often each of your partners is actually available vs what they claim or assume their availability may be in the beginning.  Things like vacations, work projects, holidays etc, cause for interruptions in our social time.  I am always understanding and expect my partners to also be as respectful of my time as I am of theirs.  As I am currently building my rotation, I have identified 2 that I feel pretty confident about and one that is a strong maybe- but we will see if it works out.

Before you start judging me, know that I don’t really CARE if you do.  The men that I engage with are nice men.  It’s not that they, or I, are just sluts who don’t care who we roll around with.  No, we are generally just busy people who don’t have the time and/or mental energy for a romantic situation.  This could be due to past relationship trauma, family life, or just a work schedule that doesn’t really allow for the amount of time that building a romantic situation can take.  Not everyone can meet the expectations of a romantic relationship.  I’m not sure that I can.  I’m of the opinion that it’s nobody business how I conduct my private business or who I conduct it with.  Call me a villain, call me a hero.  At least I’m honest about who I am and what I’m looking for.

I always make a big focus on the “friends” part, because that is important to me.  I will not put out more energy than is being extended to me.  If a guy is not someone I want to be friends that is not someone who gets access to me.  Nor do I deserve access to them.  I am selective about my partners because I want to feel comfortable.  I don’t want to tolerate people who give me the ‘ick’ at all.  Often we share similar ideas and values etc.  This makes everyone feel more comfortable about who we’re spending time with.  It lets me know we will both put some priority into having fun together and that the sex is not just what HE likes to experience, but what I like to experience as well.

In my opinion, these things are key for a good sexual relationship with someone.  Shared interest, shared values, respect of time, and reciprocal efforts.

What is your experience, what makes a FWB perfect for you?