Maybe some people out there want to be unhappy, and that’s okay too. But for most of us, being happy usually comes up in terms of life goals. So, I am writing this article because there is a sneaky thing we all do that makes, and keeps, us unhappy.

What is this sneaky thing? Comparison! We’ve all heard it before: comparison is the thief of joy.

But have you ever thought, why do I compare myself with others? Why is it so ingrained in me to compare my life? How exactly do I get out of the comparison trap? Those are the questions I am attempting to answer today. And of course, I’ll leave you with easy ways you can stop the comparison and start living according to your own desires. Let’s get into it.

Why do we compare ourselves?

If we look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, we see that the need for love and belonging is right above our need for safety. Meaning, once we have our basic needs met (food, clothing, shelter), we also need to have a sense of belonging to survive. Along with that is the need for security, and we usually feel more secure in groups of people.

So this need to belong is ingrained in us. Our earliest ancestors survived in groups and every person had a functioning role to play. While we don’t need a group to survive in modern times, this feeling of wanting to belong is still encoded in us.

But the main problem is that our brain does not know the difference between needing to belong for survival or needing to belong because we have a big case of FOMO. The innate anxiety still shows up when we feel ignored or left behind by other people.

This need to be accepted is what sends us into this comparison spiral. In order for us to feel like we are accepted by our peers, we must first compare what we have to everyone else. Our brain thinks that if we act like those around us, then we will fit in easily. This innate need that originated thousands of years ago is still running the show today. This need to belong and feel accepted has been blown out of proportion by something we know and use every day.

Social Media is to blame.

What’s the worst thing to look at when you’re feeling lonely or stuck in life? It would have to be seeing everyone else’s highlight reel and photoshopped pictures at all hours of the day. This is what social media is doing to all of us. Adding fuel to an already raging fire that most of us feel.

Here’s the thing, social media is not reality. It may have started that way when you could only post real-time videos and pictures without editing. But today, we have come way past the point of no return. Social media has turned into one giant marketing tool to fuel your feelings of loneliness and low self-worth.

Do you think creators are going to show you when they feel sad or sitting on their couch watching TV for eight hours? Of course not. They show you perfectly curated videos that they have thoughtfully planned out. Of course, they are going to show you their happiest times and just how productive, rich, and fit they are. They schedule fun and exciting things purely for the sake of content.

No wonder loneliness is at record highs. According to this article, one in three people feel lonely regularly in the United States. The sad truth is that social media was created with an end goal in mind: to get the users as addicted as possible so usage and ad revenues increase. They are designed to make you addicted and keep your confidence low so you keep coming back for more information or validation.

My big realization that flipped my anxiety on its head.

In 2015, I moved across the country to a city where I didn’t know anyone. I leaped and trusted this move would work out, and I was ready for an adventure. While the move was the best decision I made (I discovered the world of self-development, made new friends, and met my husband), there were times I experienced intense loneliness.

And the only way to combat the loneliness was spending hours on my phone as a way to distract myself. So here I was looking at everyone else’s highlight reel while I was stuck at home with nothing to do. But it became an addiction; I couldn’t stop the scrolling. It’s like my mind wanted validation that I was feeling lonely.

What I didn’t realize at the time was all this scrolling was fueling my anxiety and putting my mind into comparison mode 24/7. I was assuming that everyone else had a ton of friends and amazing travel plans while I had no one to even text or call.

These stories were constantly running in the background of my mind and making my confidence hit an all-time low. Even after meeting my husband and making a solid group of friends, I still would go to social media and feel like my life was flawed in some way. I didn’t realize just how dangerous these apps can be to my mental state.

Through the years, I would go through phases with social media where I would completely delete it or only go on it to check messages. Just when I thought I could scroll without feeling like crap about my life, those thoughts would come back to me. As someone with anxiety, social media is probably the worst thing I could look at daily.

Recently, I got so burnt out with social media, especially when I realized that it’s mainly just advertisements and the same big accounts showing up in my feed. I also realized that this comparison mode was still running in the background of my life.

When I turned 35 earlier this year, these “less-than” thoughts were louder than ever. Thoughts such as:

I’m not fit enough; I need to exercise more.

I’m not traveling enough; I’m spending too much time at home.

I’m 35; my life should look way different than it does.

And on and on these thoughts went, and I was experiencing anxiety daily. Even though I consciously know that social media is not reality—it’s a highlight reel—it was still hard to calm down those fears. Until I made a huge realization.

My life is not a perfectly curated Instagram page. No one’s is! And striving for that kind of life is dangerous to my mental health.

What really opened my eyes was when I watched a Youtube video of a creator who has millions of followers. They were showing a day in their life and how they live alone. They were eating dinner by themselves and telling the camera how lonely and anxious they feel most days.

So if this person with a seemingly “perfect” life with millions of eyes on them is feeling this way, this lifestyle content is in no way reflective of what’s really going on with someone. The fact is that content creators do exciting things solely for content. They spend hours editing and using photoshop to produce the perfect image. No wonder so many of us are suffering from feelings of low self-confidence! We are comparing our lives to unattainable images. I decided enough was enough and I had to take back my happiness and self-image.

When I realized my life is enough.

After a particularly challenging day with anxiety and having a long talk with my husband, I just let all these fears and feelings out in the open. All the things I have been struggling with for a long time just flowed from me.

Talking it out helped me immensely because it showed me just how much I was striving for perfection. And how damaging that was to my mental health. Comparison is the thief of joy, and combining that with constant highlight reels in front of your eyes leads to disaster.

So, along with setting firm app limits and really uncovering why I had this habit, I also turned the focus back on my own life. My low confidence was keeping me from my writing, something that brings me so much joy. It was also affecting my ability to be excited or happy about my life and goals—something that is really important for me and my mental health.

And most importantly, I needed some huge mindset reframes about comparison and social media. Here’s what I wrote down and read every day until my anxiety lessened and my mind became clearer:

My external world reflects my internal world, actively noticing all the amazing aspects of my life leads to more happiness and fulfillment.

Comparing my life to others severely impacts my ability to be creative and work on my goals. This is not fair to my future self.

I’m no longer comparing my life to someone else, I’m comparing myself to where I was last year. 

I’m on my own path and my life is mine, there’s no one right way to live.

I have endless things to be thankful for and they were hiding in plain sight. Gratitude lists will greatly enhance my mood.

Once I had those reframes, I was able to connect back with what made me happy. Writing, reading, walking to the park, petting my dog, riding my bike, playing (and sometimes winning) FIFA 2024 with my husband. These things may not be Instagram-feed worthy but they mean the world to me.

Now it’s your turn.

How much does comparison rule your life? Do you have constant anxiety running in the background of your mind? Do you always feel less than your peers?

Here are some ways to get you out of your head and back into your life:

Repeat this phrase as many times as you need: I am exactly where I need to be. I am on my own timeline. 

Journaling is also a potent tool when it comes to managing anxiety. It provides immediately relief by getting it out of your head and onto paper. It also helps you identify patterns to what triggers anxiety and how you can reframe those situations.

Here are some journaling prompts for you to get out of comparison mode and back into your life:

What does comparing my life to others do for me? 

If I were to look deeper at my feelings of lack in my life, what would they be telling me?

Does social media make me feel better or worse about myself? How can I have a better relationship with it?

What makes my soul happy? 

How can I incorporate more happiness into my life?

Remember, social media is not real life and when we compare our lives to highly edited pictures and videos, we are setting ourselves up for low confidence and heightened anxiety.

You can never tell what’s truly going on in someone’s life by only seeing their best days. I think social media can be an amazing tool to learn from and connect with other people, but there have to be healthy boundaries in place.

Instead, remind yourself that your life is yours and you are on the right path. Everyone’s timelines will look different and you’re no exception.

~

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