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For years, whenever I asked my husband, “What would you like for dinner, honey?” he would always reply, “Whatever you feel like, darling.”

This frequent answer used to annoy me royally. Surely, he had preferences or cravings, at least occasionally, so why couldn’t he simply express his wants and needs?

When I began studying human behavior through the lens of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), I understood that we are all wired differently, influenced by our “culturescape”: our family, culture, religion, wounds, and traumas. Some people, like my husband, are wired to see the world from a “second person” perspective rather than a “first person” perspective. He is someone who thinks of others first and learned from his “culturescape” that selflessness was the right quality to embody. This was his way to feel love and belonging as he grew up.

Thinking of others first is not a bad thing at all, unless it robs you of ever getting your own needs met or starts to crush your desires and eventually your life force. And unless you start to feel resentful. And you will. Over time.

Many of my clients have struggled with similar issues, unable to ask for what they desire, want, or need at least at some point in their lives. Sometimes it can be context-dependent: some of us can ask for what we want at home but find it hard to ask for what we need at work.

Your ability to ask for what you need is a reflection of what you think about yourself and your sense of self-worth. Do you feel worthy enough to ask for what you need and want? Is it context-dependent? Are you even connected to what you need and want? Sometimes when you set aside your own needs for many years, it can be hard to even recognize or know what you need.

I’ve read The Gift of Asking by Kemi Nekvapil and completed her six-week program “The Gift of Asking.” Kemi’s work inspired much of this article, and I want to thank and recognize her for her invaluable inspiration. I highly recommend her books and coaching programs.

Key Steps to reconnect and build up your willingness and courage to ask for what you need:

1. Find some space and time alone.

Be radically honest with yourself. Ask yourself what you need or desire in all areas of your life: your health and wellness, your environment and home, your finances, your career, your relationships, your personal and spiritual growth, your hobbies. You may have been avoiding connecting to your heart’s yearnings or lowering their importance to avoid feelings of scarcity, lack, selfishness, or ungratefulness.

Examples could be: time for workouts, moving to a new place, a pay raise at work, support with the kids for time away, going out alone with friends, more consistent visits from friends or family, clarification of the status of a relationship, or going on a wellness retreat.

If you have been wired with this “selfless is good” programming for a while and have trouble connecting to your needs, just start small. Before any small daily task, ask yourself what you need: a glass of water, some food, a moment to yourself, no onions in your dish. Build up that heart’s yearning list slowly over time.

Remember that you can be grateful for the life you have right now and at the same time have dreams, desires, and wants that are still unmet.

2. Connect with your highest intention.

For all your needs and wants, ask yourself: why is this important to me? Ask yourself this about five times until you turn in circles in your answers. For example, if I need more time to work out: why is this important to me? Because I want to be healthy. Why is this important to me? Because I want to feel good in my body. Why is this important to me? Because I want to enjoy life. Why is this important to me? Because I want to live a long and active life as long as possible. Why is this important to me? To spend as much quality time with the people I love: my kids and partner.

Close your eyes and imagine all those important needs and your highest intention fulfilled. How do you feel? How is your life changed?

3. Write a long list.

It is important to write the list of your wants and needs as it acknowledges them. Highlight the 10 most important ones, the ones that would make the biggest positive change in your life. With those 10 wants and desires, identify what you need to ask, who you need to ask, and what you need to put in place.

For example, if you need time for yourself for workouts, you may need to ask your partner to take care of the kids on certain days and times. If you want more time with your kids, you might have to ask your boss for time off or a part-time job or reshuffling of your hours. If you want a new home, you might have to sit down with your partner to discuss your options and ask for their opinion or ask a financial advisor to help you figure out how to make this work for you.

Have a list of your 10-plus questions that will help you start working on what would make the most impact in your life.

4. Visualize the conversation of asking for those needs.

What fears are coming up? What has prevented you from asking for those things in the past and what is preventing you from asking for them now? Fear of rejection? You might get a “no”? What is so bad about receiving a “no”? How would a “no” make you feel? Can you handle a “no”? Belief that asking for what you need is selfish? Who is saying this to you? What voice do you hear? Is this always true? Belief that asking for help or support is a sign of weakness? Have you been wired to believe you have to do it all alone and never complain? Who put this belief in your system? Is it always valid?

5. Connect with how you feel when your needs are not met.

How do you feel? Close your eyes and connect to those unmet needs from your list and feel the range of emotions that come with those being ignored: frustration, rage, anger, resentment, sadness, loneliness. Give yourself permission to feel what is coming up. Allow the flow of emotions to move through your body. Take your time.

6. Decide that change is needed.

What will happen if you never ask for what you need? What is the cost of not asking for what you need (on an emotional, physical, and energetic level)? Is it time to make a change? Is it time to feel fulfilled? Is it time to grow your sense of self-worth and ask for what you need? Are you ready?

7. Bring an inch of sanity to all those limiting beliefs and fears.

Realize that people are not mind readers and they have their own lives and beliefs to deal with, so unless you are clear about your own needs, they will take your word or silence for what it is—you don’t need anything right now. Connect to your highest intention (from #2), close your eyes and imagine all those 10 most important needs fulfilled. How is your life changed? How do you feel? Connected? Happy? Joyful? Peaceful? Vibrant? Full of energy? Like an expansion? So let’s start.

8. Start asking for “smaller needs” on your list to build up your confidence and skills.

Start by telling your partner what you want for dinner, ask the waiter to add a side of avocado to your plate or to remove the onions from the dish, ask your partner to take care of the kids so that you can go for a run, ask your children to play quietly by themselves so that you can do some yoga at home for a short time (you might have to ask a few times for this one).

Whatever the answer is, feel how empowering asking for what you need feels. Build up your confidence and start to ask for bigger things on your list: a day off at work, a four-day work week, a discussion on the status of your relationship with your date, to have your partner stop putting you down in front of the kids. Pause and notice how you feel. There might be a mix of emotions, butterflies in the stomach, fear of rejection, but maybe you can also connect to this empowered part of yourself that finally showed up. That finally spoke up. That finally feels heard and liberated.

9. Be okay with the answer you get: a no is okay.

It does not mean you are not loved. It does not mean you failed. It just means the other person is not ready for the request yet. You have the option of asking questions after a “no.” What is preventing you from saying yes? What about my request is not okay with you? What do you need from me to say yes? Is there someone else that you know that could help me? Be Ready for a yes!

Observe if there is guilt as you asked for something and you get it. Some of us have been raised to never ask, so guilt might come. It is okay. Breathe through it; let it go. Connect with the empowered part of yourself that was courageous enough to ask for their needs. Be brave and trust that you can handle whatever answer you get. And continue asking for what you need on a daily basis. Asking is like a muscle; it needs to be trained and maintained!

Remember that asking for what you need is ultimately a gift for the other person as well. It gives them clarity on what you truly want and gives them the opportunity to support you, to stand up for you, to help you achieve what you want. Helping and supporting another is a “feel good,” “feel important,” “feel trusted” gift to the person you asked.

Asking for what you need is an example for others, an example of authenticity, vulnerability, and courage that might light up the same in them. Maybe you will be the seed for them to start asking for what they need.

Asking for what you need will build up your self-esteem big time. Because it is you showing up for yourself. It is you putting yourself first. It is you loving yourself. It will also give you the ability to handle requests for needs from others. As you allow yourself to ask, others will too.

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