August 30, 2010

Which of These Yoga Student Types will you be Stuck Next To?

You probably know one or more of these people.  They are in every one of your yoga classes to entertain, amuse and confound you:

OVERACHIEVING YOGA CHICK – She’s much, much faster than you. As if she has ESP, she moves into Reverse Triangle pose before the teacher even starts to say the word “Reverse”. To her, yoga is a competitive sport and you are a loser. Favorite Classroom Location: Front row, next to the teacher. Favorite Pre-Class Ritual: Sizing-up any would-be competitors.  Yoga Clothing: Color coordinated Lululemon pants and top.  Favorite Tattoo: The Olympic Rings.

LOVERBOY – Even though he’s a minute or two late, there’s always a space for him next to that beautiful girl that wasn’t impressed and didn’t respond to your question: “is this a level 3 class?”. She’s already set up his mat, towel and water because he looks like Zac Efron and also because that’s a lot of stuff to remember. Favorite Classroom Location: Any space that is set up for him. Favorite Pre-Class Ritual: Hugging and deep kissing at least 3 girls “hello”. Yoga Clothing: Whatever he woke up wearing today minus the shirt. Favorite Tattoo: His ex-girlfriend’s name followed by the word “forever”.

HIPPIE GIRL – She improvises in class by adding mudras to every posture (even “downward facing dog”). She sips Kombucha and nibbles on homemade kale crisps in between Asanas. Her legs look like a satellite photo of the Black Forest . You can’t really tell, but under that West African kaftan, she’s the fittest person in the room. Favorite Classroom Location: A corner in the back row where she can put her hemp backpack and sandals. Favorite Pre-Class Ritual: Playing her harmonium. Yoga Clothing: Something she bought in Rishikesh. Favorite Tattoo: The Dalai Lama’s face.

MS. RICH – She arrives in a 2011 Porsche Cayenne Hybrid (15 miles to the gallon versus 11 for the regular model). She always leaves class just before Savasana because she is running late for her therapist or a pedicure. Either way, she will drop her set of keys on someone’s head on the way out of the studio. Favorite Classroom Location: “I thought this was a private?”  Favorite Pre-Class Ritual: Sipping a Starbucks “schitzo” latte. Yoga Clothing: “Lululemon Couture.” Favorite Tattoo: A diamond tennis bracelet her husband gave her when he got caught cheating.

BODY BUILDER GUY – You know him. He looks like he just walked off the set of Jersey Shore. He has the flexibility of a concrete piling and smells like Old Spice. He shaves his head for that “clean” look (and to cleverly mask his hair loss that coincided with his steroid experimentation). Favorite Classroom Location: In the back row where he can scope out  “the ladies”. Favorite Pre-Class Ritual: Handstands against the wall that involve a loud THUD. Yoga Clothing: Gold’s gym sweatpants that have been cut to look like the Hulk’s. Favorite Tattoo: A Chinese Symbol that he was told means “Powerful” but actually means “Little Eggroll”.

Want more characters? Check out Julia Lee’s article 10 Characters You May Encounter in Yoga Class.

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