October 24, 2012

Ladies, repeat after me: I am a hot ticket. I can have any date I want.

So today, I was asked to go on an exotic trip by a man I just met in a gallery and spoke with for two minutes.

I laughed it off (though I did seriously consider responding, “Sure. I mean, after all, I’ve never seen Croatia.”).

Despite what my bio photo may lead you to believe, I should note that I am not extraordinarily beautiful and I do not have a killer body. In fact, I’m short, a barely B, have hunks of cellulite that no amount of dry brushing will scrub away; I often get food stuck in my teeth, commonly walk into walls, and toilet paper seems to always gets stuck to my heels. All that said, somewhere around age 30 I figured out how to attract the paramours who makes me squeal on the inside, “hubba-hubba.”

Now read this statement three times out loud to yourself:

I am confident. I am powerful. I am a hot ticket. I can have any date I want.

The formula is simple, ladies: Go big or go home. Meaning, get your head in the game and stop pussyfooting around. Bottom line: we are all looking for a little affection. Getting the date you want is easy if you keep that in mind.

Here are four more additional secrets:

One: Have five signature items.

These are the things that you do ritualistically every day. It’s those little things that you know makes you “you.”  For some women that’s a particular perfume, getting their hair done regularly, or if you’re my mother, not leaving the house without red lipstick, nails and shoes that have at minimum a kitten heel.

Why five items you ask? Because one really isn’t enough to define what your personal style is. Think about it—a million women in the world wear red lipstick every day, but not all of them insist on a minimum height of 1.5″ or more in their daily shoe selection. Here’s my top five to get your brain going:

a. I always wear high-end bras. If you’ve got to choose, go cheap on undies but spend on a good bra. I wear beautiful bras even under beat-up overalls. I always know that I have that little sexy something going on—because you never know what could happen. One of the most fun long-term relationships I ever had started in line at the Driver Motor Vehicle Department in New Hampshire after I had attended a sweaty yoga class. I looked like hell, but my tatas looked terrific.

b. I always accessorize big. It’s my outward signature mark. Every woman needs an outward signature. I religiously wear big sunglasses, big earrings and sometimes big bracelets. It’s my look. I simply don’t feel complete without big accessories. Plus, it distracts men from noticing that my miracle bra lady lumps are more like lady bumps when the clothes come off (yes, of course I wear the sunglasses in the bedroom. I think it makes me mysterious).

c. I live for lip gloss. You’ll never find me without it, not even while hiking in a jungle. I pull out the red lipstick for special occasions when I go out to paint the town well uh… red.

d. My toenails are always painted. I can’t commit to fingernails because of my busy lifestyle, but somehow just knowing my toes are done in an exotic fashion makes me feel a bit more polished. I am currently sporting electric blue glitter.

e. I sleep in vintage slips. Always. They are inexpensive but add a certain “ooh la la to my evening. Not only are they fun to collect, but when I am in a rush I throw a long shirt dress or a sweater wrap over one with some cowgirl boots, and I am good to go.

Now hot mama, those are my “signature items.” What are your top five? Your signature might be collecting lizards, getting dirt under your nails, wearing Carharts with a baseball cap backwards, and braiding your armpit hair. That’s okay too. As long it’s yours and you know it, that’s the point.

Two: Confidence is everything.

I say to my shoulder-rounded-forward female clients, “up and at ’em” every time they leave my studio. Take those torpedo tits of yours and aim fire. Whether you are a “K” or an “A” doesn’t matter. Also, don’t cross your arms over your chest when you talk to your objects d’esire. If you have to, physically put your hands behind your back to keep from crossing your arms. They’ll notice your nice open “heart” (ahem). Seriously though, meet them with as much bravado as they meet you. Confidence in yourself speaks volumes.

Three: Be yourself.

A lion can see if you’re bluffing and will pounce. Don’t bluff. I promise bluffing only leads to heartache. And listen, if you happen to like spending your evenings waxing poetic reading Shakespeare by candlelight while your beloved instead likes all-night online poker games, move on. Know when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em. Remember there are seven billion people on this planet. One of them (or several) are just right for you.

Four: Most importantly, have some fun.

Keep in mind that seduction can be one of the most fantastic parts of a relationship at any age. Take your time—it’s beautiful, and so are you.

Now go get ’em tiger. Viva La Vagina!



Editor: Brianna Bemel


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