October 9, 2012

Tips from a Gentleman: On Transcending Love Lost.


Love-life Logic for the Humans on Earth

We’re doing things a little bit differently this week. Instead of the standard Q & A format, this is the extended paraphrasing of an exchange that occurred over the course of several weeks, presented with the benefit of hindsight as a stylized conversation. Follow?
We begin in the midst of things. My friend “Mila” recently saw her long-term relationship end, and not by her choosing, so we talked about it.

— Hope you’re doing well. Trust it’s all for the best.

Yeah. But it’s hard to trust in less love.

— Hmm maybe try to regard it as clearing away that which is a hindrance to experiencing more love?

I like that. Lately, I’ve been wasting a ridiculous amount of time feeling sad.

— We are emotional beings. Felt sense is never wasted. But why?

Obviously because I’ve been missing the person I lost, but also because I was feeling deprived of a future I wanted, a future I yearned for, a future I thought was attainable with patience.

— The future becomes present as ideas gain density until they are real enough to see, touch and feel. That is a slow and delicate process from our point of view, here in Earth-time, and distortions occur as our intentions blend into the reality soup we share with our fellow Earthlings. Indeed, it is unsafe to build one’s prospects for happiness on the unsure foundations of another person, whose ideas about future reality may differ drastically from yours.

The more devoid I felt, the angrier I became with said lost person—blaming them for the retraction of my happily ever after.

— For them to be lost, they must first have been possessed. I invite you to examine that premise. It’s terrifying but ultimately funny how others can play havoc, with apparent whimsy, on even our most powerful imaginings. I know sometimes it feels shockingly unfair. Like, WTF!? I had such pleasant plans for us… Howcouldyou…

Sad + Angry = Bad News Bears.

— “Remember that stress, (including physical pain), does not come from the emotions themselves, but from the level of resistance we put up against feeling them.” — Christine DeLorey

I couldn’t get past the idea of ever loving anyone else the way I loved my lost person.

— But…

But what I failed to realize is that lost person rarely loved me the way I wanted/needed to be loved—let alone yearned for the same kind of future.

— And so the wheel turns. And so often everything is already in the process of turning out perfectly, except it’s not how we expected so we abandon our path at the last minute, try to make it right but are clumsy, then feel dumb for walking in circles. Luckily the universe loves us and will spin us around and round until we get it, get out of our own way and just enjoy the ride.

I was caught up on the amount of love I had for said person, the way it made me feel to love someone so deeply, and the future I thought I could support solely on that devotion.

Love is a selfish thing: it’s all about devotion to the One.

How very strange then, that it requires the duality of I loving You. You, me. Us, we. Therein, I guarantee, is the path of unity. Ha! Except enough of that all-oneness—this love is Mine and I’m going to hold it so so tight that I’d fight you, my love, to maintain it.

Weird. Know what I mean?

Except Love, like Light, gains focus when squeezed, is more powerful if focused, expands when shared. The struggle for love sets atingle an endless net of blind kindnesses. The act of seeking creates reverberations that ripple out and back in a closed loop, like a spherical trampoline.

I find a timeless source of spring in my step when I trust the meta-tramp to have this springboard effect. But you’ve got to be on your toes, so that the bounce you send out doesn’t flow right back and undermine your delicate balance.

It wasn’t until just yesterday that your statement finally made sense to me.

— How so? Wait, what’d I say?

To think of lost love as a way to let more love in.

— Right. Jai Shri Kali Ma.

A nearly-love can offer great comfort but is potentially quite addictive. The key (and this is extremely tricky) is to notice when a love is sub-optimal and be willing to kick that habit.

To do so is a powerful act of devotion to your own highest good, a courageous honoring of the true love you deserve which is, as we speak, still wending its way from subtler realms down to find us here, where we are, wandering deep in the confusion of physicality.

At first, I thought you just meant more lovers, more opportunities to love and be loved—which I could not comprehend.

— Bigger is often no better. Here is equally awful as There. The greenness of grass depends on how well you tend it. Most of all: more of not enough means even emptier.

But yesterday, I took it as: quality of love. “More love” = higher [quotient] of love; of life sought after.

— Yes! Of life sought after.

More love = the love I need, not just the love someone is willing to give.

— It is in no way “needy” to speak of Needs. Acknowledging your own needs is the first step to having them met.

In love, who wants a partner that has a line in the sand they refuse to cross? Not I.

— Nor I.

Loving thanks to “Mila” for allowing creative license in sharing our dialogue. Feedback is welcome for both the content and form of this iteration of “Tips,” as this is clearly a bit experimental.

Thanks for reading!

If you have a loving question, a sexy dilemma or are entangled in some adoring intrigue, write to elephantgentleman (at)gmail(dot)com and David will address the situation with both sides of his brain.


Editor: Kate Bartolotta

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