January 21, 2013

When it Comes to Love: I’m Happy For You. ~ Ronna Holtz

My ex-husband just got married.

Let me start by saying that this will not be a sarcastic, jaded, stab me I was betrayed, I’m a victim vibe. I’ll apologize for my lack of sass in advance. This is about life, love and the big picture. Call it what you want. Call me crazy while you’re at it.

I’m happy for him.

That wasn’t always the case. I’ll admit when I first found out (on Facebook) that my ex-husband was engaged, my ego had a slightly melodramatic temper tantrum. The good news is that I knew it was ego.

I had a sort of “When Harry Met Sally” moment. If you’ve read anything I’ve written you’ll know that I will take any and all opportunities to quote that movie. Remember when she finds out that Joe is getting married? She calls Harry in a tearful frenzy. Harry goes to her place. Her hair is tousled. Snot runs down her face….

Sally: “….he just didn’t want to marry me!” More sobbing. “…and I’m gonna be 40!”
Harry: “When?”
Sally: “Someday…”

My moment was similar.

Perhaps I’m writing this because I’d feel weird calling. Maybe I’m doing it because all too often I hear people say year after year how much they loathe their ex-husband or ex-wife. They may very well have valid reasons. I find it sad. I also know that someone else’s experience is none of my damned business.

My ex-husband wasn’t a bad person. Neither was I. It worked for a while and then it stopped working. We had exactly what we were given. Was there heartache? I can only speak for myself. We both had lessons to learn and pain to grow through. I’d like to believe it was all worth it. I’d also like to believe we have both come very far.

I learned that someone will love me even when I sing the Bee Gees at the top of my lungs in the market, and that they’ll still think I’m awesome when I wake up with Tawny Kitaen hair. There are heartfelt memories and some not so sexy memories. (Tawny Kitaen hair gets filed under sexy, by the way.)

There was also a bit of remorse, not because it ended, but because I could have been better in so many ways, although I will never give up being retarded in the market. I learned it is more than good to just be who I am. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

I see so many people struggle with separation/divorce pain. There have been many acquaintances, friends, even people dear to my heart that have gone through this. Perhaps they experience a feeling of failure, or a fear of being alone; even a fear of loving again. I’ve felt them all. I’d like them to know that the process wasn’t always a walk in the proverbial park. There was pain, certainly. There was grieving as I would expect goes hand in hand with any marriage ending. Unless you were married to Ed Gein. But the fantastic marriages don’t usually end. Right?

Looking back, I’m fortunate for the things I learned. I wasn’t necessarily the picture of grace through it all, but I did get through it. Some days my head was held high. Some days my friends held it for me. Some days I wanted to bury it in a bottle of Cotes du Rhone. I’m so grateful for being able to see the bigger picture now, because there is always a bigger picture.

Sometimes we touch another person’s life in a way we never thought possible.

If “you” are reading this I want you to know I wish you and your bride a happy life. I hope you have found the love you were searching for and the love that you deserve.

You have come a long way and have grown so deeply. I am immensely proud of you. I know you will do right by each other and on days where you may not I know that you will show up get through it.

As my friend Anthony said quite recently, “Everyone has their person and you have found your person in one another.”


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Assistant Ed: Anne Clendening
Ed: Kate Bartolotta

Bouquet:  Absolute Perfection Tawny Kitaen:DriRhys on Flickr “Your Past:” Jean Byrne via Magdalena Perez

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