April 1, 2013

Tiger Woods Now Claims Affairs “Were part of my Buddhist Tantric Practice.” {April Fools’ edition}

Vanity Fair is set to reveal new details about Tiger Woods and his many affairs (the cover above is from a previous issue in which they profiled the embattled golfer prior to the scandal becoming public in November) – from mouths of the women with whom he slept.

Early Thursday morning, Woods came forward with a new explanation of his actions.

“If you will remember my recent press conference, I told all of you that I had not been living up to the Buddhist faith with I was raised,” Woods began. “Well, that’s not entirely the truth. Over the years I did move away from the Zen Buddhism of my mother and more toward the Vajrayana Buddhist tradition of Tibet. This change in my path was dictated in part by my admiration for the Dalai Lama and his clear, calm compassion.”

“But I would be lying if I did not admit that the tantric sexual practices had something to do with it. I had outgrown sitting meditations, deity visualizations, while both guru yoga and death yoga failed to advance my enlightenment. So I sought out a tantric master living in Bhutan and received a series of tantric transmissions from him.”

Woods is referring to a centuries old Buddhist practice that involves “sacred sex” with consorts who are little more than props for the male while he moves subtle energy through his chakras to purify his body and focus his mind. This is considered the highest form of tantra and is rarely practiced by anyone but the most advanced students of Buddhism.

“My initiation into tantra occurred just prior to the years of 2000-2001, when I won all four of the Grand Slams in a row. You figure it out.” His four straight Grand Slam victories are now called the “Tiger Slam” because they did not occur during one calendar year.

“Many of my fans and competitors have wondered how I achieve such diamond-point focus on the golf course. Well, this highly secret and advanced Buddhist practice has been my secret weapon over the years. The women are only tools to an end. They meant nothing to me, and I don’t even remember most of their names, if I’m being honest.”

Many of the women have claimed Tiger loved them and wanted to be with them, so it remains to be seen how they will respond to these newest revelations.

“So I apologize for misleading you, but seriously, I did not want Phil to figure this out and try it for himself.”

Woods concluded his brief statements by saying, “I am returning to simple meditation from now on, as a way to honor my wife and children. Besides, I have accrued so much power by now that there’s little I can’t do on the golf course, bitches.”

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