What if companies marketed the truth, instead of what they (or we) wished was true?
Belated Warning: Language is adult. Or, rather, juvenile.
Amazon: we take the humanity out of your life.
Dasani: Italian for “Coke just sold you water”
Ben and Jerry’s: Who are we kidding a pint is definitely one serving
FreeCreditReport.com: Credit reports are already free, but don’t let our name fool you, this one really isn’t.
Costco: When you’re not sure what you want, but you know you want a LOT of it. (This might be a paraphrase of a Mitch Hedberg line.)
Facebook: We know more about you than you do
SlimJim: If we showed you how we make these you’d stop eating meat forever.
Applebee’s: We figured out a way to f**k up salad. Or, Applebee’s: For when you’re too lazy to prepare your own frozen food
Comcast: We’ll be there between 7 a.m. and f**k yourself in the face, or, Comcast—every single one of our customers hates us, but there isn’t anything they can do about it because we are an oligopoly and there is very rarely any alternative for high speed internet in most of our coverage area. Or, Comcast—Because F**k You.
Youtube: Don’t read the comments.
Pabst Blue Ribbon: Tag us on Instagram
Wal-Mart: We slave, you save.
Ed Hardy: Made for douchebags, by Malaysian children.
Tesla: Told you so. The next model is almost here, it’s awesome, it’s expensive, and no it’s not here yet.
Subway: Tricking you into high calorie meals for years.
Honda: This car does not die. We’ve tried.
Bank of America: Bend over.
Taco Bell: “You obviously don’t care what you put into your mouth, so why should we?”
BP: Lol, our bad.
Abercrombie and Fitch: If you’re ugly, f**k off, broseph.
And that’s probably enough, for now. We’re talking about the same few companies at this point, anyways.