November 20, 2013

That Sound We Hear in Lululemon is…Crickets. No, it’s Thighs!


Relephant reads:

In Defense of Lululemon’s CEO, Chip Wilson.

Now it’s Pickles that are Making Us Fat? 

This is What a Real Yoga Body Looks Like.

I have been trying hard.

Really freaking hard.

Sooooo hard, that honestly I think I’m getting a headache from trying so hard to keep my mouth shut!

But come on. When Stephen Colbert gets on Lululemon, you know I have to take notice.

So please don’t remind me that I don’t hate Lululemon. I’m over that they don’t have older ambassadors. I’m over that they don’t have larger sizes. I’m over the off-shore sweatshops and un-environmental clothing and the Ayn Rand marketing of “rational egoism,” and honestly I don’t know what-the-frig that is except yogis don’t like the ego.

I don’t care that their pants are transparent because my classes are finally full of men. Yee-hah, watch me bend over and pay at the door.

I’m even over the anti-Asian intention behind their name, which was chosen because it is so fun to hear people say, “Ru-Ru-Remon.”

As Colbert said, “Hirarious.”

I am even over when the sales clerks say, “You teach yoga? That is so great. I have to let my mom know.”

Oh honey. Don’t stop there. Tell your grandmother. Call AARP.

After all that, here’s the thing that is giving me a bit of a headache these days: I got some bad ass legs.

Yes, I am on the small side but I have big-boned, strong, athletic, earth-shaking, pioneer woman legs. I got the kind of legs that settled the west. They can climb up mountains and ski down the bumps—all day long. I have ridden racehorses in Alabama and waterskied over the lakes in Montana.

I can hold Utkatasana forever. The yoga pose astavakrasana is my b*tch.  My legs are large and in charge. I have the kind of legs that a sane person does not mess with.

For years I was embarrassed by the raw power associated with a woman who has bad ass legs. I used to hide my thighs under tunics and dresses. Then I met a man who said, “My God I love your thighs.” He didn’t say “legs,” he said “thighs.”

So I married him.

(That’s a totally true story but he may have been drunk at the time.)

Therefore, when the founder of Lululemon said that the problem with their $98 pants isn’t with the product but with the size of the women who wear them and their big old legs that rub together, I think he is speaking to me.

But now I want to thank Chip Wilson, who will probably never know the pleasure of having a pair of pioneer woman legs wrapped around him. Thank you—and I mean it because you have helped me realize that I am no longer ashamed of my mamma-jamma jambons.

My thighs are big.

It’s true that I cannot wear Wunder Unders ™—not because I’m too heavy, but because I look like a buffalo balancing on a pogo stick.

What’s more, my thighs rub together, in stockings they sound like crickets, and that’s music to my ears.

My version of the Led Zeppelin song goes like this:

“Hey Hey Chip you know, I got some news.

I’m a big-legged woman and I don’t wear your Grooves ™.”

Somebody call the Colbert show—I think I have a gig he’d be interested in.

The Colbert Report
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Ed: Bryonie Wise

Photo: WikiCommons


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