December 7, 2013

Hide in Car, Eat Ice Cream, Accept Vulnerability. ~ Alicia Wozniak

Sometimes we just need to drive straight from the gym and get ice cream.

I covered a class for a friend. The drive to the gym results in me making zero cash that night, but she was sick and needed a favor. Can do.

My daughter, I call her Weez, was with my mom. I had some down time after teaching class and an opportunity to indulge myself. I don’t generally do that. I always wish for downtime and then feel bad when I have it. So, I decided to not feel bad for one hour.

I have been listening to an audio book for a few days; Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection. It played while I drove to the gym and back.

Brené has opened my eyes to owning my story and accepting my vulnerability.

I am going to need to buy this book and actually read it because I’m having a hard time completely getting the content. I can’t see the words. I need to see the words. I am a visual learner. I need to see something in order to understand it. I am jotting down bits and pieces of what she says and burning the information into my brain.

I need to be kinder to myself. This is what I struggle with so I took an extra hour and was kind to myself with ice cream. My gym manager walked into the exact same ice cream shop when I was standing in line. I was still sweaty from just having finished teaching class. Burn it to earn it, right? I gave her a hug and we both kind of laughed. I returned to my car, turned on the book and listened some more while I ate my ice cream.

I chose mint chocolate chip. It’s my favorite.

I took notes on the only piece of paper in my car; my ab workout cheat sheet. My handwriting is complete crap. I’m looking at the chicken scratch. I have no idea what I wrote. I hope these quotes are correct!

“Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

 I’m trying! I’m admitting that I’m in the dark. I want to find my light. I need to find my light.

“A deep sense of love and belonging is a irreducible need of all men, women and children. We are biologically, cognitively, psychically and spiritually wired to love, to be loved and belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break, we fall apart, we numb, we ache, we hurt others, we get sick. The absence of love and belonging will always lead to suffering.”

Jesus, she’s right. That need to belong has escaped me a lot in life. I’ve felt just outside of the pack pretty much my whole life and it started early. It’s stayed. As I’ve gotten older, it’s gotten to be less of a burden, but it’s still there. Who doesn’t want to belong? Somewhere. To something. With someone. I’m usually the one showing up too late. I’ve become accustomed to missing the party, so to speak.

“True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world. Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self acceptance.”

So, it’s my doing. I don’t accept myself as I am thus I will always feel I don’t belong. I need to accept myself and then I will always belong. Good golly, Doc. Can’t you make it maybe a little easier?

“We can only belong when we offer our most authentic selves and when we’re embraced for who we are.”

Wait. Is that me embracing my own most authentic self or someone else embracing me? Are they cute? Are they single? OK. OK. So I need to embrace myself as well. Oh boy. So, what about love? I get that in order for me to belong I need to be totally cool with myself, and be down with me.

“Love: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”

Most vulnerable? Geez. What is my most vulnerable? I’ll have to noodle on that. I feel pretty splayed open every day so it has to mean something else. That’s probably just anxiety which will hopefully go away if I can nail down when I’m my most vulnerable and then get on with being totally OK with all of it.

My ice cream was all gone. I was starting to stink too. I was all sweaty remember? I had just come from the gym? An hour in a somewhat warm car, because I was freezing of course, made me a little ripe. I started the car and drove to my mom’s to get Weez.

I hid the ice cream cup so she wouldn’t be hurt that I went without her.


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Ed: Bryonie Wise

{Photo: Flickr}

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