January 14, 2014

Confessions of a Wannabe Celiac.


These are the waffles I made my boyfriend for breakfast this morning.

Just a wee bit embarrassing—I will venture to call it a #WAFFAIL.

The batter was overflowing from the waffle maker my mom got me for Christmas. Smoke floated out from the sides of the waffle maker. Brandon, always smiling and happy, looked at the waffle maker (which I was standing in front of…trying to hide my mess) and laughed. I peeled the sad, burnt waffle out of the maker and put it on the plate next to his [also kind of messed up] eggs. You can bet your sweet hiney that I plopped a couple dabs of butter and drizzled maple syrup over the top too. Women have been disguising cooking mistakes with fat and sugar for decades, right?

The truth is, I wish I was allergic to gluten. I wish it made my throat swell and I wish it made me gain weight like mad and I wish it made me feel too lethargic to leave my bed.

Because then, life would be easier. It would be so easy to just give up on baking and cooking waffles. Muffins. Brownies. Cookies. Everything that I have made and burned and fed people in hopes that they wouldn’t hate me after the dinner party was over.

The most severe of gluten allergies would be less severe than the problems I currently experience:

Ginger snaps make me horny.

Biscotti makes me foam at the mouth.

Waffles (not my own, obviously) make me walk like a zombie toward the breakfast table.

Funfetti cake makes my skip and sing like a child on a pony at her eighth birthday party.

Brownies make my gyrate with glee.

I would run at the speed of light to receive a warm, drizzling cinnamon roll from a nice grandma in an apron.

The last chocolate dipped peanut butter cookie in the bin at the store makes me ravenous and willing to plow down anyone who is in my way.

Now, I know I could make gluten free versions of all these desserts.

And I have before. The only good thing I’ve ever been able to make a gluten free version of is brownies. They were alright, but not as good as the Betty Crocker Double Fudge brownie mix. I feel that gluten free baking is like only owning a vibrator and ignoring the real…ahem…thing.

Someday, I might venture into gluten free baking and commit myself to becoming good at it. I consider it a challenge. Almond flour, spelt flour, tapioca flour, xanthan gum, etc…bring it on!

But right now, I am going to continue to eat gluten in moderation. I will continue to sneak cookies into the bed and eat them under the covers.



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Editor: Bryonie Wise

Photo: courtesy of the author





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