Warning: naughty language ahead.
It is time to turn off the Adele, dump that boxed wine down the drain and take a deep breath.
There is a chance that your break-up is the only break-up known to man to be easy, fun and translate into life-long platonic friendship. The rest of us have to follow the universal and mysterious laws of breaking up. (Damn!)
The laws listed below are a compilation of the best the internet has to offer combined with my own brand of wisdom. Enjoy.
- The grief you now feel due to the separation has less to do with the past and more to do with grieving over what could have been, which makes moving forward seem near impossible. Also known as: Break-ups kill the future dead.
- You did your best. No, really you did and continue to do your best. Your personal best can also look way different than choosing wisely.
- No one has their shit together—not single people, dating people or married people. We are all just faking it.
- Saying, “That is their shit and they can deal with it” is really just a cover up for “I don’t know how to handle my own emotions in relation to my relationship.”
- Everyone has the right to live their lives the way they see fit. (Cue Guns ‘n’ Roses)
- Unconditional love is just letting go of what could be or could have been by appreciating what you have now.
- There is no cure for pain. It is just a part of living.
- No means no. Maybe means no. The worst thing you can say after a break up is “Well anything is possible.” Possible is not the same as probable.
- The truth will set you free but it will also kick your ass!
- He is not coming back. She is not coming back. And if they do it is just part of a cycle and not actually a new beginning. (That is a hard one to admit out loud.)
- Facebook is not your friend. The new Apple IOS7 is because it has a block caller feature.
- A friendship that occurs within the first year after separation is not going to be functional. It just won’t be. I’m not joking about this. What I am saying is that a full year must go by before a healthy friendship can take place.
- Yoga and exercise are your real friends; Hulu and Nexflix are not.
- No one can understand what you are going through to the extent that you are experiencing it. It is up to you to experience it. (You have no choice—fuck, right?)
- There is no replacement for sex or intimacy or intimate sex. It is okay to miss these things.
- We learn by being in relationship (even after it ends).
- What hurts now will hurt again. That really drives home being thankful for what we have now.
- Having sex with your ex is like sticking a fully loaded heroin needle in your arm. It will kill your soul.
- You can’t get rid of your ego or any other part of you in order to streamline the grieving process. It is called a process for a reason and not an grieving algorithm. Even if it were an algorithm most of us wouldn’t be able to figure it out and neither would Google!
- At some point, everyone is immature; not just your ex.
- Fun is important.
- God knows a lot about love but I am certain Satan invented dating.
- Eventually you will have to get back out there. But, maybe not today.
- Most pressures we feel are self-induced. How’s that for pressure?
- It could take your whole life to learn to love yourself. The best time to do it is now.
- I hate being single. What feels true now might not always be true but when you look back, know that it was true then and don’t try to amend it with what you know now. In other words, you are not a complete dumbass.
- Contrast is our greatest teacher and similarities are what bond us together. Everyone is both all the time to different degrees (brain warp!). A.K.A Right person + wrong time = wrong person.
- Growing up is only hard when it becomes synonymous with growing old. There is a new adventure just around the bend. Ain’t nothing tying yourself down but you. Fuck it! Move to Italy and dare to fall in love (again).
- Breaking up is hard to do.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Editor: Catherine Monkman
Photo: stardust7 on Imgur