sexy [ˈsɛksɪ] adj 1. provoking or intending to provoke sexual interest 2. feeling sexual interest; aroused 3. interesting, exciting, or trendy

I have years of experience seeing women come to my pole dancing class with no clue as to how beautiful and sexy they really are.

It is sad for me that these women don’t claim what is rightfully theirs. We are created to be sexy and somehow, life gets in the way and we either forgot this fact or we never knew it to begin with. But it is there.

In our 20s it’s easy to feel sexy.

We are fresh-faced, hopeful, easily excited and ready for anything. Our bodies are strong, shapely and designed to get attention. But as life moves forward, maybe some of us have suffered a few hard knocks, had our hearts broken (possibly many times) got married, had children, got divorced, suffered the death of loved ones and frankly, just got older and no longer feel sexy or desirable.

There is a realization that something is missing in life but we are not sure what it is, how to reclaim it or even if we should.

Does this mean we no longer have “it?” Is “it” gone forever?

Not necessarily. After years of teaching women of all ages, sizes and shapes, I can assure you, you haven’t lost it! Maybe it’s buried deep down or has never been really excavated, but it is there, I promise. So how do we get it back?

I have found 10 surprising and simple things to do to get it back.

I said “surprising” because it’s not what you think. I’m not asking you to shorten your skirts, wear heels or show cleavage. And “simple” because the concepts make sense but they are not easy—two very different things. Being sexy is overwhelmingly powerful and standing in your power is not an easy thing to do. Simple, yes, but easy, no!

So open up your mind and get rid of those old stereotypes you may have about being sexy. It’s worth a try, I promise!

1. Redefine “sexy”: I don’t just mean Victoria Secret sexy or Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition sexy. Nowhere in the definition above does it say, “beautiful, shapely, big breasts, perfect skin, glossy hair and flawless.” While models or celebrities may be a collective version of sexy, it is not the only one. Look at women you know that you find sexy. More likely than not, they are regular looking women with a great attitude, comfortable in their bodies and a with flirtatious nature.

2. Start from where you are: Don’t think because you never felt sexy before that you can’t be sexy from this point forward. Just the desire to be sexy is a great starting point to finding your version of sexy.

3. Change your attitude: Feel sexy no matter what you look like. We are designed to be attractive to the opposite sex. The hourglass shaped body on a woman implies fertility and good mothering. This doesn’t mean 36-24-36. It means there is a ratio that is considered attractive and most women have this ratio. If we take good care of ourselves—body, mind, and soul—-the sexy will follow.

4. Don’t limit yourself: Stop saying can’t! I know for sure you can. Self-talk is so important. How can we thrive if we constantly tell ourselves that we cannot do what we want to do? I often tell my students they are not allowed to say “can’t” in my class. Why? Because they can. I know they can even if they don’t, but their words prevent them from digging in their heels (stilettos in this case) and giving it their all.

5. Don’t let others define you: Or, put you in a “box.” We are not just a mothers, daughters or siblings. Nor are we just class clowns, cute as a button, or serious businesswomen. We all have many facets and acknowledging other facets of our personalities not only makes us more interesting, it makes us sexy.

6. Don’t compare yourself to others: No one is a better you than you! Embrace the special gifts and talents and appreciate other women’s gifts and talents. Comparing is futile and destructive—destructive because it undermines self-love. Focus on what you do well, laugh at what you don’t and love yourself for all your little idiosyncrasies.

7. Ask for what you want: What you really want, not what you think you should want. For example: kids, career, husband, boyfriend, soft serve yogurt vs. premium ice cream. Knowing what we want increases our self confidence and relieves us of over-pleasing and being wishy-washy. Neither is sexy.

8. Dress to feel fabulous for yourself: Forget about short skirts or cleavage if that feels uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable prevents us from being our best selves. Wear what feels amazing, like a cashmere sweater or silk blouse. The better we feel, the more likely we are to push the envelope and play with clothing. If you feel great exposing more skin and showing off your body, then go right ahead. Forget about what other people think and claim your space in this world.

9. Focus on what you love about your body: Stop beating yourself up for extra weight, stretch marks and cellulite. We all have it or will be getting it shortly. Get over it and love your body for what it can do for you. Focus on mobility, health and the mere fact that you can take another breath. Life it too short to hate the vehicles we are traveling in. Or if you can’t accept it, change it! But doing nothing and hating our bodies is just a waste of time.

10. Find the fun: Emotions are contagious. Don’t believe me? Try being in a room with sad, depressed and unhappy people for even an hour and notice how you feel. Conversely, when we focus on the joys in life and what we love about ourselves and others, we become people magnets. People want to be around us. Flirt, laugh and enjoy every experience. It’s very sexy!

None of the about involves what a man finds sexy. Because sexy isn’t about what they think, it’s about how you feel. Feel sexy, happy and confident and you will attract more than your fair share of attention, plus you’re having a blast!

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Photo Credit: elephant archives