June 3, 2014

33 Things I Was Totally Wrong About. ~ Michelle Sweezey

Teacher, Glasses, My Bad,

I turned 33 last fall, an event I labeled “33 in 2013,” which means, obviously, that this is my 34th year of rockin’ it on planet Earth.

In reflecting back on my life (I seem to do that in mass quantities as of late), I realized that a whole lot of the things I was sure I was right about when I was, say, 21 (the age of supreme know-it-all), were, uh, possibly, slightly inaccurate. Little bit. Please do control your laughter—I recognize the tiny oversight in these assumptions, and my confessions are forthcoming. The funny thing is, being wrong feels exactly like being right because, when you’re wrong, you generally don’t know it…yet. While this list is hardly exhaustive, it is a step in the right direction. So here it is, in print, my admissions of erroneous conclusions on life.

Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong: The List.

  1. I. Have. The. Power! I am in control (of everything and everyone).
  2. Happiness is a state of planning: stick to the plan and nobody gets hurt.
  3. I know everything.
  4. Everything is personal. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna go eat some worms.
  5. Visa really is everywhere I want to be.
  6. 1+1 always = 2.
  7. Saying, “I’m sorry,” means something.
  8. Martha Stewart is the way, the truth and the life
  9. Tattoos are bad, not hot at all and are for “those” people.
  10. Come with me if you want to live: My way is the highway.
  11. Rules are made to be followed.
  12. The destination is more important than the journey, and winning is the end goal.
  13. I have an amazing poker face.
  14. White picket fences (and all associated societal norms) are the legit domestic manifestations of happiness.
  15. Drinking sugary cocktails, mixing alcohol or being over the age of 30 does not cause hangovers.
  16. If you ignore something long enough, it will go away.
  17. Heartbreak is overrated and only happens in movies, Taylor Swift songs or to “other” people
  18. Vegetables are gross, high quantities of caffeine are good for you, cheese belongs in one third of the categories of the original food pyramid and should therefore be at least half of every meal, white carbs are the bomb and people who shop at food co-ops are a bunch of hippies.
  19. More is always better.
  20. I have to lie in the bed I made and stay there.
  21. Things happen to me, not with me, for me or because of me.
  22. Worrying about shit will prevent it from happening.
  23. Song lyrics, especially hip-hop, have zero connection to my real life.
  24. I can change people.
  25. Pain only comes in a few distinct and resolvable forms.
  26. People tell me things because they want my opinion, advice, solution, witty comeback or are just dying to hear how my story is “just like” theirs.
  27. Maintaining my B.K. (Before Kids) physique and lifestyle will be super easy. Piece of cake.
  28. People know what I expect of them. When they don’t live up to my expectations, it’s their fault.
  29. I can fix everything (and everything needs to be fixed).
  30. Tunnel vision is a synonym for 20/20 eyesight.
  31. Holding onto anger and hurt will ensure it doesn’t happen again.
  32. I can have my cake and eat it too.
  33. I know what I’m doing.

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Apprentice Editor: Amanda Fleming Taylor / Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Heinz Boesenberg/Pixoto

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