June 14, 2014

“Found: White and black a**hole cat.” {Hilarious Craiglist Ad}


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Found: Best Craiglist Ad Ever.

I had a bit of a grumpy day, I will admit.


And then I read this.

This, by far, is the funniest, best Craigslist ad ever. Enjoy—and may your grumpies also disappear and be replaced with peals of laughter.

“A white cat with black spots and a purple collar has taken up residence in my fenced yard. This cat is an extreme asshole. He/She (I can’t get close enough to it to tell its gender, much less read its tag) makes an ungodly screeching noise starting at around 6 a.m. This noise sounds like a human baby crying while a hundred rabbits scream because some predator is flaying them alive. This cat also has a weird tail that looks as though it’s been cut off, but not at the normal place where a vet would bob a tail. It’s a weird, fat bobbed-but-longish tail. 

Even if I could ignore the screeching, which I can’t, this vicious beast attacked my daughter. She’s four, and thus applies four year old logic to the appearance of this predator, which goes something like, “It came here that means it likes me! It wants a hug!” I know the cat is not entirely to blame for the bites and scratches that followed, sometimes four year olds scare me too, but I feel it my duty to protect them from each other. 

This evil feline also terrorizes my geriatric labrador who suffers the advanced stages of dementia and would like to enjoy her golden years sniffing stuff in the yard. The poor dog is also deaf and mostly blind, so she never sees the damn thing coming.

So, if you are the misguided human who calls this shithead your pet, please email me and come get it. If it’s still here tomorrow I’ll have to call the SPCA to remove it. I’d rather not since I know what they do to animals no one in their right mind would ever adopt, but I can’t let its tyranny of my yard continue.”


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