I wrote this journal entry/poem exactly one year ago from today, which is the day the sun enters the sign of Leo.
I was overcome what felt like life-crippling heartbreak. I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief from the pain, the letting go, and the ‘what could be.’
Writing has always been a way to sort through my feelings, to be unbiased in my counsel to myself. Through my unbridled confessions in my writings, I am able to break through my uncertainty and find the clarity that keeps me pulling through, day after gloriously beautiful day.
I share this here partially because I want to share an unfiltered view of myself with the world—it’s good for us to expose these vulnerable parts.
But also because I believe many of you can relate to the plethora of unfiltered emotions, the intensity that comes with being a Leo (and well, human).
I write it as encouragement in empathy for ourselves. Sometimes things are confusing. Sometimes we have no idea why we’re going through a particular hardship and where we will end up.
Sometimes we’re tired of manifesting.
I felt this pretty much all of last year. But here I am, one year later. In the happiest, healthiest relationship I could imagine. It totally took me by surprise. Was it only a year ago I was pining for my ex? Felling lonely and devoid?
By writing and expressing myself, by not judging myself in my darker moments, and by holding a (somewhat) clear vision in what I know I deserve, it all came to me.
So let this be a reminder to just breathe and appreciate that moody Cancer is over! Let’s all embrace the Leonine nature that’s inside us! We shall dance our own dance, live in a glorious way, and remember just how precious and valuable we all are.
I want to be loved.
I want to feel it’s passion and embrace.
To feel its warmth and intoxicating familiarity and newness.
I want to be held. I want to be cherished.
Treated like a treasure.
Yet also the down home girl that I am.
I want love.
An equal, mutual exchange.
Embraced by its security.
An equal empowerment, respect, desire.
I wonder how I can move on when a huge part of me doesn’t want to let go.
Of my hurt?
Of the man who stole my heart?
Well it wasn’t his for the taking.
But I offered it on a silver platter, full of bells and whistles.
He intrigued me, made me feel desired and desirable.
He made me proud to be his partner.
Yet I never really felt validated in that way.
I backed away. I shied off. I resisted.
I had a facade of the ideal person, the ideal relationship.
And I desperately didn’t want to break it.
But I did. Because I knew it wasn’t right. It needed to start fresh.
I feel badly for the hurt I may have caused, the blame I placed.
But I feel vindicated in sharing and standing up for my worth.
It needed to happen. I needed to break free.
I’m afraid to let go. I still love.
But I need to validate myself,
stick to things, feel,
and move forward.
I feel anger, shame, guilt, doubt, fear, loss, trepidation, sadness, loss, sorrow.
I feel new beginning, a chance to learn and start anew.
I am who I am and I will be with someone who makes me feel more truly myself than ever before.
I am with someone who allows me to accept myself through my flaws, vulnerabilities, and weaknesses.
My love rallies and validates me in my confidences and my success. My purity and failure.
I am human. I am emotion. I am power.
I sometimes fear the affect of my harsh words, demanding emotions, and lash tongue.
I fear the places they could put me with others.
But I am pure. And I am learning to express my emotions and my needs.
I am growing. I am morphing. I am human. I am transcending.
I really do love you, querido.
But when it comes down to it, I love myself more.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: Pius Mahimbi at Flickr