August 18, 2014

Dear Man who Thinks He’s Interested.

Dear man who thinks he’s interested,

I am not simple or easy to understand. I cannot give you straight answers to your questions about me because I do not know the answers. I am complex, philosophical, dualistic in my thinking. I do not like to be labelled, boxed up, frozen in time. I need movement, freedom to explore, to be curious and to change my mind. Countless times.

My mind and my heart are two separate entities. Like brother and sister—they tease each other, fight each other, confide in one another and look out for one another. Most of the time, they confuse the hell out of each other. My mind is strong, logical, able to see every situation from every perspective.

My heart is weak, irrational, blind-sided often. But it is my heart that I trust the most. Even when it leads me down paths of heart-ache and destruction. I value the path of my heart. For my heart is connected to my soul. And my soul must travel a winding path of ups and downs.

Yes, I can be easy-going, playful, fun to be around. I find happiness in the warmth of the sun, the energy of the moon, and the interaction between the two. I love the feeling of being with people I love and trust. I love being outdoors, in nature, in the wild. I love waking up with you in my bed, with your arms wrapped around me, your fingers interlocked with mine. This is why you think you’re interested.

I love, deeply. With all my heart. You see, there are places in my heart that are taken up by past lovers and places. There are spaces in my heart that are filled with the notion of future lovers and future places. There are parts of my heart that are filled with my growing love for myself. My love for the moon. My love for emotions and uncertainty. There is very little room in my heart for you.

And yet here you are. You intrigue me. I find myself wanting to get to know you better, wanting to find new places in my heart for you. As others have, maybe you will find a temporary place in my heart. Like a vacation, to the sunny beaches of Hawaii. Where the air is moist, and the waves crash along the beach.

You will find joy and happiness here, and then you will leave. Not because you want to, but because my heart no longer wants your physical body there. It will only want the lingering and bittersweet memory of you. Enough for me to hold on to you forever, but not enough for you to stay. This is what has happened many times before.

But maybe, my heart will not want you to leave. Maybe my heart has a place for you to call home. A place where we can learn and grow, together. Fall in love with places, together. Watch the moon, together.

So, I send you this as a warning, and as an invitation, to get to know me better. For you to know that I feel a connection to those who have come before you, and to those who will hypothetically come after. Because my heart has a huge capacity to love and my mind has the tendency to dream. But this is who I am, today, in this moment. For how long, I do not know. So for now, I say goodnight to you, goodnight to my sleepless mind, goodnight to my weary heart, and most of all, goodnight to the moon.



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Editor: Travis May

Photo: PSantiago Garza/Flickr 


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