Partially inspired by Waylon Lewis’ Things I would like to do with you.
I shouldn’t want to do these things with you.
Or should I?
Even though there’s a connection, a chemistry, an attraction. I don’t understand how. I don’t understand why. I know others won’t and will ask and will judge. But some things aren’t meant to be understood.
You don’t always have to know how and why. Trust me when I say I’ve driven myself crazy asking. Then I realized I had to let go of the “why” and “how” and just accept what is. Despite the shouldn’t, there’s a desire.
I shouldn’t want to kiss you softly, repeatedly, then harder, allowing you to suck my tongue. Because you’re different for me. In so many ways. I imagine I’m different for you. But I’m open to different. I like how you kiss me and touch me and gaze into my eyes.
At first you quiver. Almost to say you’re reminding yourself that this time it isn’t a dream.
I shouldn’t want to be vulnerable with you. To open myself to you and let you into the cracked pieces of my mind, much less my heart. Laying with you softly and slowly, exploring together. Being in the moment with you. Not wanting each moment to end. To let you look deep into my eyes, to my soul and you smile with gratitude. I see reflected in your eyes, you being vulnerable. We are meaning something to each other.
But I shouldn’t want us to mean something to each other.
Not this kind of meaning, in this way. We shouldn’t blend our hands together, connecting you to me and me to you. We could walk together. Talk about random things like we do, things we share with each other, realizing we have more in common than one would think. That we can find ourselves lost in conversation til morning hours. Just because. Because we can.
Because we want the moment to last.
After all, this started as a random friendship. Ironically put together becoming a part of each other’s life. Now the real irony is we have this randomness, becoming something meaningful for each other. It has become something different.
I shouldn’t want it to become something different. Yet I find myself thinking of you, a distraction on my mind. I wanted a distraction though. I had thought of this possibility, what it would be like to kiss you, to feel your arms around me. But I never thought the possibility would be like this. That I would feel like this with you, that it would all feel so right.
How is it I just melt into you? Why does time seem to disappear? Even the concept of time vanishes.
I shouldn’t want my own little place in your mind, much less your heart. You now have a place in mine. A piece that it set aside just for you. You deserve this place. You earned it, even unknowingly. I’ve learned more than you may ever understand.
Not just about you, I’ve learned so much about myself. How do you feel about me? Do you think of me? And if so, what? This special whatever it is, is known just by us. You are secretive, uncomfortable with your emotions and even less so, expressing them to someone else. So, I don’t know if your heart is strong enough for someone like me.
Can it withstand me?
Being in this place in your heart where I shouldn’t want to be? Even though you haven’t said I have this place, I can’t help but think I’m there, at least maybe, at least a little. I can be vulnerable with you. And vulnerability changes things.
I admit there is a freedom that comes with this type of relationship, being this kind of way—the way it should never have been to begin with. A freedom to be ourselves, not hiding behind perception, not trying to impress, able to let our guard down, because we weren’t supposed to mean something to each other anyway.
Therefore, we were able to just start as friends, because that’s all it was to be. Since we did what we weren’t supposed to do, we might as well be all out ourselves—without worry of judgment. And being ourselves is a vulnerability. But isn’t that what a relationship is meant to be anyway?
At the beginning I was afraid.
Afraid someone would find out. Afraid to get too close. Afraid to let you in too much. Afraid to fall for you. Now I realize, I remember, fear is not a way to live life.
That realization may be too late. Should I not want a relationship with you, any kind of such, that is raw and honest, that is vulnerable and trusting. I trust you, and most importantly I feel safe with you. You inspire me to be true to myself. Now I don’t want to not do these things.
That line has been crossed, and I want to cross it again, and do more. For it has felt right in my gut, without second thought, without regret. So, instead of listening to the “should nots,” I set them aside. I stop over thinking (or at least try to not let it interfere), be true to myself and continue to see wherever this path goes.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Editor: Catherine Monkman