October 28, 2014

The Number One Commandment of Dating.

Tim G. Photography/Flickr

Ask and Ye (Most Likely) Shall Receive.

I was falling for someone and not knowing where it would land.

Meanwhile, other men were in hot pursuit of me, giving me lots of attention and banging down my door to let them in, all while the man I was most interested in wasn’t pursuing me with the zest I was accustomed to.

What did I want?

I wanted more attention from my beloved. I wanted to know how he felt about me, where this was going, and what were his intentions? And, in the meantime, I really desired that he read my mind on how to deliver all of this.

I stewed. I pouted. And I started projecting all the reasons why he wasn’t ready for a relationship, why he couldn’t dive fully into love, and on and on.

After I dug a little deeper, I realized what I really wanted was his presence when we weren’t physically together. The cute little texts in-between our trysts weren’t cutting it for me.

So, I finally womaned up and talked to him about it. Imagine that!

While my ego had been drafting up these storylines, all I really needed to do was

(a) identify what I wanted and

(b) ask for it.

And poof! Like a genie, I got what I wanted with some extra love sprinkles on top. It turned out that all the storylines I had been whipping up in my head were dead wrong, and I was completely humbled by the evolved awesomeness my man delivered in our conversation as we moved into a new stage of our relationship.

We always have this choice to hold on to the storylines of the ego and what the other person supposedly needs to “fix,” or we can have the courage to focus on what we really want and ask for it. Stacey Morgenstern brilliantly says,

“It’s not someone’s behavior that makes us angry or causes us pain, it’s the decision we make about ourselves as a result of their behavior…Soften and ask for what you want- a warm hug, eye contact, affirmation, an invitation for quality time.”

These all open the channel for love to flow depending on our love language(s) and how we prefer to receive love.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman outline the following ways to received love:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

For me, the five love languages are all avenues down the magic lane of presence. When do you feel the most “seen”?

Darling Buddhist Thích Nhất Hạnh outlines the following four mantras to cultivate your presence with your Beloved:

Watch his clip with Oprah here:

1. Tell your beloved:

“Darling, I’m here for you.”

2. Have your beloved reflect back to you:

“Darling, I know you are there, I am so happy because you are truly there.”

3. If your beloved suffers, tell them:

“Darling, I know you suffer…that is why I am here for you.”

4. And when you suffer and believe that this suffering is caused by your beloved, let them know:

“Darling, I suffer. I am trying my best to practice. Please help me.”


But really think through what is the cause of your suffering.

What are the beliefs that you have about yourself? How can you identify and ask for what you truly want?

It’s not always this simple, but most of the time, it is.


 ~ Kristi Kremers


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Editor: Emily Bartran

Image: Tim G. Photography/Flickr

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