I have two young children who love me, but sometimes I wonder if I was ever meant to be a mother.
A wild child repulsed by responsibility, and now somehow I find myself resisting the feeling that I am a caged free bird looking out into a world I lost.
No father in sight and a patience that seems to wear thin when I lose myself,
At times I see a woman yelling, but I don’t see me.
And I choose a selfish journey, one that doesn’t give into the norm of what we “think” it takes to raise a family.
Take the ticket of security and sacrifice the freedom of my spirit that flies with the wind, not me—never!
But still, the hoped for achievements I lay out seem to take a back seat.
And somehow in this moment I have chosen to forgo the glamour and gold.
There are Instagram pictures of perfect faces and dreamed up places,
In moments I question, “Am I missing out?”
The endless hustle and a walk to the bank that cashes it in.
Has my spirituality created a materially driven complacency?
My average home and my economical car aren’t going to live up to the castles and Lamborghinis.
Rolex’s and diamonds shining a value worth more than all I own.
Scrolling through visions of Jet-setting over endless oceans and sunsets in foreign places where the service is Five Star.
And the only stars I have are the ones in the sky that I wish upon.
For easier days when the choice to remain conscious and driven by spirit isn’t paired with the worry of paying my next bill.
Bank accounts with countless zeros or mine with just one.
Millions of subscribers watching in envy or just the few hundred I have met along the way.
There are goals to rule the world, to own it all, to have everything money can buy and the trophy love to match it.
Then there are mine, the simpler goals, to find peace of mind and joy in every day without any possession as part of the prize.
And perhaps even a suppressed longing for my own prince, who is just late to the show.
It is as if I cannot look up sometimes, the projection of marvelous movies played out before me in the richest of realities.
They haunt my ego.
They pressure my moves.
Could I join the race and be a victor!?
Could I give into the material world and freely spend my way to glory and would my soul still feel served when I got there?
Are the fruits of my labor so different? Are my hours of time invested in life so less valuable?
I weigh my options; is the sacrifice to work away my days until I can provide above and beyond for my children a better option?
Would extravagant birthdays and bounties of gifts be what show them beauty on Earth?
Or does my path, one that struggles to fight the lost way we have created, one that strives to marry my soul and free myself of illusions, offer them the best hope to thrive in this world?
And as I embrace daily the role I chose to carry these two precious souls along with me wherever I go, I accept the process of surrendering the journey of “I.”
The appearance, the value, the moments of loss or disarray in my life, may leave the residue of these questions,
But the memory of truth beyond this life, beyond this world, flows into me more each day.
My mind may doubt, my ego may yearn and my heart may even hurt.
But there is a drive within me.
There is a loving mother.
There is a selfless woman.
There is an intangible reward along the path of my journey that is priceless.
My abundance is grand in its own right, with or without the perfect prince at my side or the flashy projection of wealth surrounding me.
My heart continues to open and flow.
It is all completely divine.
I close my eyes and I breathe. I am living all of these lives; mine, yours and theirs.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Author: Leah Fortner
Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock