January 28, 2015

I Miss You Today.

Erin Stoodley/Flickr

You are the first thing on my mind as I wake up this morning.

You have not been on my mind or in my heart for a long time now, but today, lying in the bed we once shared, I wish your legs were intertwined with mine; your feet on top of my feet, your knees bent towards me, feeling the warmth of your skin on mine.

I lay on the side of the bed that was once yours and with my eyes closed, I can feel your arms around me, holding me close as your morning body heavily settles against mine. Your face snuggles into my neck and the sigh you give every morning comes alive in my memory.

Barely awake, I feel you squeeze me, making me feel safe and protected in our home, our bedroom and in your arms.

I miss you today.

Standing alone in the kitchen I suddenly crave breakfast food. I think back to the Sundays we would throw on whatever clothes happened to be closest to us and get in the car, headed toward breakfast tacos.

We would call your parents from the car and make funny faces as they went on and on about the latest family gossip. Sometimes we would sit in silence and other times I would talk and talk about nothing in particular, but you would smile… because we were together and we were happy just being close to each other.

I miss you today.

Outside the air is perfect, the sky above is blue with scattered clouds and there is a slight breeze against my face as I walk to the car. It makes me miss your hands; their smoothness, the security they represented, and the way one would always grope around from the drivers seat until it was safely entwined with mine.

I loved the way you would grab onto me as if you were afraid of losing me.

I miss you today.

I drive past places we used to go together and begin thinking of things we could do if you were here. Instead of being in the car, I’d still be in bed. We’d be sleeping in without a care in the world. Our bodies would be close. Your heartbeat would vibrate against my face as I’d lay my head on your bare chest.

When we’d get hungry enough to pry ourselves out of bed, we’d make a fatty, delicious breakfast in the kitchen. Together.

If feeling energetic, we would visit open houses and plan our future as we toured each one.

Or we would just lay on the couch and watch a game. Your head would be in my lap as I’d move my hands through your rich black hair until you close your eyes with satisfaction. I would feel you adjust your body as you’d indicate where you’d like to be massaged next.

We would settle into each other without a worry or a care, because we’d know, no matter what, that we would always be together.

I miss you today.

But today you have a new life. You have a new Sunday routine with someone else. Maybe it’s better. Maybe it’s not. It’s just no longer with me.

Maybe you miss me at times. Maybe you want to wake up with me at times. Instead we have gone our separate ways. Instead we found that we did not work well together.

Today I miss you, but I also feel hopeful; hopeful that soon I will have a new Sunday routine with a man who I can feel both happy and comfortable with. Maybe he will help me forget about you. Maybe there will be days just like today when I will wish I were still waking up with you, embraced by love we once shared.

As for now, we’re finding our own path without each other.

And with each new day that passes, I think of you less and less.

But today, I miss you.


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 Author: Kelly Smith

Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: Erin Stoodley/Flickr


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