April 21, 2015

2 things to Stop saying to our Divorced Friends.


My two least favorite things, that people say when they find out my marriage has ended, are “I’m sorry” and “He seems like such a nice guy.”

In fact if I had a dollar for every time I have heard either of them I would actually be able to go on the vacation to that beach that is on my Pinterest. But I ask why is this necessary?

My new response to “I’m sorry” after a year of hearing it, is “don’t be.”

“Someday, one of your friends is gonna get divorced, it’s gonna happen, and they’re gonna tell you. Don’t go, ‘ohhhh I’m sorry.’ That’s a stupid thing to say. First of all you’re making ’em feel bad for being really happy, which isn’t fair. And second of all: divorce is always good news. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true, because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce. It’s really that simple.” ~Louis C.K

This is true. If it was a happy marriage then it would not have ended.

Why can’t people say, “I’m happy you chose a life that makes you happy or happier?”

Yes financial struggles, co-parenting (if it can ever really be that), suck, but at the end of the day ,happier is better.

To respond to, “He seems like such a nice guy.” I have to say I am always wondering what to say.

What exactly are you using as your point of reference? Do you know all the details of life that come out when it’s just you and your partner and no one is watching? Do you think I am purposefully tossing out a nice guy because I want a bad one? Do you have time to sit down and listen to the whole real story that only someone who has lived with that person, shared a life, a home, kids and finances would know?

The answer is no, you don’t have the time. You want to believe that he is that nice guy and somehow I just couldn’t make it work.

And the truth is I want to shout all of it out from the rooftops, post it on my facebook wall, hash tag it on instagram but does it really matter? Will it change anything? Make me feel better? Maybe for a moment but in the end I just want to move forward.

So, next time a friend tells you they got divorced or you hear that someone did, know that there is much more to the story. Stop yourself from the “I’m sorry” and “He seemed like a nice guy.”

Just tell them, or about them, that you are glad they are moving forward and taking care of themselves.


Relephant read:

Conscious Divorce: Turning Pain Into Pleasure.


Author: Virginia Mulvaney

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr, pixabay


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