Dear Elephants,

Welcome to this week’s Ask Me Anything, where no question is out of bounds! To submit questions for next week, please email me at [email protected].

I look forward to hearing from you!

Dear Erica,

I started a relationship three months ago. My boyfriend is wonderful in all aspects, but I guess it is normal after only three months to see only the positive things and have lots of fun together. He makes me feel excellent.

But this morning I discovered something that has made me miserable. His iphone was on the table and I opened it to take a quick look. I saw his whatsapp was open and could see naked pictures of a woman. I couldn’t stop myself from reading the whole chat.

I feel really bad for invading his privacy, but that picture just caught my eye. He has these conversations with this woman—no physical contact—she is in another country, but they send each other intimate pictures and have sex talks. They have been doing this for six months.

At some point she asked him, some weeks ago, if he had a girlfriend because she was looking for sex, and he denied having one. She also told him she wanted to meet him in person. He didn’t answer anything concretely, but there are hints that he sends her money.

I believe that having this happen after barely three months is too much. I loved him, I was getting to know him, and I just can’t understand what is missing at this point that he has to have such conversations with this woman.

I just want some advice, because breaking up now wouldn’t be as hurtful as doing it when more time has passed.

~ Snooping Girlfriend

Dear Girlfriend,

Based on what you’re telling me, your boyfriend was involved with this other woman three months prior to being involved with you. From that standpoint, she is the one who should be upset and asking me why he is involved with you.

He sends her money, has a sexual relationship with her (though it may only be by phone, it is still real) and tells her he is unattached to anyone but her. Just so you know, this woman believes she is your guy’s girlfriend, and she has every reason to think so. 

What you have here is a guy who is putting his own needs first despite their impact on other people. He’s lying to two women (possibly more) and has little regard for either of them.

Take yourself out of this picture and give yourself the chance to meet someone who can keep the magic alive for more than 90 days.

Dear Erica,

I read you article about your birthday coming up and was really struck by it.

Every year my birthday rolls around and it is a disappointment. My husband never does anything and though I receive cards from friends and family, it just seems like no one has ever gone out of their way to make me feel special.

I feel like I am at an age (mid-forties) where this shouldn’t matter to me so much anymore, but instead of caring less and less, it bothers me more and more.

How can I make my birthday this year not feel so bad?

~ Sad Birthday Girl

Dear Birthday Girl,

I am actually writing this on my own birthday, so I feel especially well equipped to advise you!

First of all, I know exactly how you feel. I used to get upset every year as my birthday approached, assuming it would be yet another “celebration” that didn’t feel special enough. I kept waiting for other people to do the work for me.

Now I believe that I have the responsibility and the privilege of doing the special-making work myself. How do I do that?

It’s incredibly simple. I use my birthday as an excuse to shower myself with tenderness.

I don’t worry so much about “stuff” (though I do like to put on a cute dress and have a lovely meal served to me), I just spend the day talking to myself and listening to what I say as if I was the most important person in the world. This is a rare treat for anyone– especially a mom.

“How do I feel?” I may ask myself gently upon awakening. “I feel like I need to lay in bed for five more delicious minutes,” I might answer. 

Other examples are;”How shall I move my body today? Am I craving a walk outside? Alone or with company? What is the most beautiful place I can reasonably get to even if I have to drive a little further to find it?”

“What shall I eat today? What will nourish me? Do I want fresh, gorgeous greens or a big, cheesy pizza?”

“Who would I like to see/speak to today? Anyone? Or perhaps I need solitude.” If there are people I want to spend time with, I don’t hesitate to reach out and tell them.

Basically, this is a great opportunity to deeply honor yourself, and because you know in your heart of hearts what you truly want, who is better equipped to provide it?

Stop worrying about who will do what for you on your special day and learn how to celebrate you all by yourself. It may feel weird at first, but over time you’ll wonder why you did it any other way.

~

Relephant: 

Ask Me Anything: Husband Not Attracted To Overweight Wife. {Weekly Advice Column} 

 ~

Author: Erica Leibrandt

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Image: flickr