April 21, 2015

How Abstinence makes me Awesome.


I love sex. I love every single detail about it.

I love the feel of his body against mine and how he touches me with confidence.

I love everything about an authentic man, and how he moves in this world.

Which is why the choice to become abstinent was all that more difficult for me. To me, sex is not about the end result—sex is an all-day affair. It’s approaching life sensually, and seeking pleasure from all the moments, not just those that are connected to intercourse.

Ultimately, abstinence was an idea born from the inability to settle. I don’t accept mediocrity in any aspect of my life, so the decision to wait for the extraordinary suddenly seemed obvious.

“The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting.” ~ Andy Warhol

I realized my worth and I simply decided to wait for the lover who sees all of me. The one who falls in love with the way my lashes touch my cheek when I’m smiling. The one who my laughter echoes in his ears long after we’ve parted, the one who is humbled by my heart and who is entranced by the way that I spin words into dreams.

I’m waiting for the unique.

I want it all—butterflies, weak knees, flushed cheeks and that deep physical reaction that tells me there is something special in my connection to a potential lover.

This journey of abstinence is not one I ever anticipated taking. I used to be the first to say that I didn’t want to go hours, never mind days and months without sex.

I needed it. But this time I needed to find me more.

I think there just came a moment when I was faced with living life like I always had, or making a change.

Instead of looking for a lover, or making dating a new pastime, I rededicated myself to my life—my career, my passions, my children, my family and my friends. Those things were my priority; and I wasn’t closed to taking a lover, but I also wasn’t going to take someone to just fill the quiet spaces.

It was in those very moments that I found my true-self who had been hiding there all along, but was never given the time or space to fully develop.

I started taking each day one at a time, letting myself sink into the lessons that they brought, and somehow—at the end of it—I am completely different, yet more me than I ever have been before.

I found my love in the life that I already have, and though I am single, I am certainly not lacking. I have settled into my life with the ease of a thousand lifetimes, and I believe deep in my heart that this was a journey that my soul knew I needed to take, long before my mind did.

It was a journey of realizing that the love I was seeking was already inside of me the whole time.


I have never been one to give myself to others with little care. I don’t believe in letting just anyone share in my body and spirit. No matter how much I tried to believe it at one point, sex, for me, has never been about just getting off. It just isn’t—to pretend is a waste of all that I am.

I am seduction and a slow southern drawl; I am midnight skinny dipping and double chocolate chunk cookies;

I make the mundane seem passionate, and make the sun shine even brighter.

I had ended a long term relationship and realized that since I first started having sex when I was 17, I had never gone more than a few months without being able to indulge myself in my favorite past time. So, finding myself single again at 32, with no willing partner available on a daily basis, was a shock to my system.

What I realized though, is sex was a distraction for me.

When I was in my long term relationship, I used it as a way to forget about and mask the existing problems. And when I was first single, I used sex as a way to escape myself and my impending loneliness. I had never had the chance in my life to be alone with myself, and see who I really was. The last time I had sex, I knew it was the last time with that particular man, even before it happened.

It was just the ending of a cycle, one that I no longer wanted to be in anymore.

I never intended to go a year without sex.

The Climax.

After the first two months passed, I started thinking about sex and myself differently.

I started to enjoy all my quiet time. I wasn’t worrying if some guy was going to call or text me, I didn’t have to worry if I had sex too soon with him, or if he was really interested in me. I simply realized that I was incredibly happy doing my own thing. At this point in my journey, I started realizing I didn’t want to compromise. I didn’t want someone telling me what I should be doing, or influencing me to live life any way than which my heart desires to.

I felt like I had come home to myself.

Around the fifth month of abstinence, I started becoming incredibly selective about who I let into my inner circle. I knew that I needed someone to stimulate me on a mental level before he even touched my body.

I remember actually saying to a man once:

“If you can’t talk to me about the difference between a Malbec and Pinot Noir, the benefits of German automobile engineering, and also quote Freud, then we have nothing to talk about”.

I wasn’t bitchy, just feisty. I had suddenly realized that I needed a lot more than most, and I wasn’t going to be satisfied by generic.

It was at this point that I began choosing abstinence, instead of just seeing it as a dry spell.

I made the conscience and authentic choice to wait for someone who wasn’t just going to love my body, but was going to value my mind and my heart too.

Month eight found me settling so deeply into myself, it was hard to believe that I hadn’t done it sooner.

I stopped wanting to have meaningless conversations with anyone. I was done wanting to be distracted. Potential lovers, who expressed their desire, left me feeling like they were taking me away from my art making, my writing, cooking, enjoying time with my daughters and amazing friends—they were a nuisance to me.

I had learned what my real value was, and that I didn’t need to be taken away from myself and the life that I had built from the ground up. My life, although messy at times—the taste of it staining my fingers like melting cotton candy—was mine, and I loved everything about it.

Close to a year and I found myself happy almost all the time. Smiling for no reason, taking chances I never would have before, speaking my heart louder than I ever have, and fearlessly jumping into the amazingness that I was presented with every day.

I realized what I deserve in every one of my relationships and that I have no use for any sort of shallow encounter. I just don’t have the stomach for it. I relished in my alone time, and my heart felt light and happy—I was literally glowing

The Post-Coital Glow.

There is an untamed pureness that comes from valuing not only our body, but our mind too. I see it shine in my eyes and reflect off the love in my heart. This is not a journey I ever thought I would take, or especially be pleased that I did, but now I see that it was necessary.

I had to be left alone with myself so that I could bloom.

My life is different than it was a year ago, thankfully, because who wants things to stay the same? And while I sometimes wake from dreams gasping, wet between my legs, feeling like he was actually there, breathing against my skin:

I am happy with my life. As is.

I don’t need a man to make me happy, or to give me something that I can’t give myself.

I don’t need drama, or someone to pay attention to me so I feel worthy and beautiful.

I don’t need a man to put a diamond on my finger to know that I am one in a million.

I’ve got this—all on my own.

But what I do want, is that lover who is an equal match—whose heart is just as wild, if not more so than mine—someone who will race with me into the wind and make my face flush with desire.

I want a man who knows the value in being chosen because he is wanted, but not needed.

Someone to break all the rules with, and make a few new ones.

A man who is worth the wait, because I can guarantee him that I am too.

“Seduce my mind and you can have my body, Find my soul and I’m yours forever.” Unknown

Relephant Read: 

This is What I Know about Love.


Author: Kate Rose

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: flickr, wikimedia

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