Somewhere between the projections of what I want you to be and the expectations of what I think I need you to be, I find you.
And that space between projection and expectation is the sweetest, scariest place to be.
In that between space, there are no breathless promises of forever. There are no declarations of undying love, romantic ideals of soul mates, and no long-term plans. There is only this moment that we share. We bask in this moment, not knowing if there will be another or a million more. We are each learning to let go of the stories of the past and the hopes for the future. There is no grasping, reaching, clinging to something we always thought we should crave and instead, we hold each other loosely.
This—whatever it is—is like a bird in the hand that we both hold in gentle awareness. We both know that if we squeeze too tightly we will squeeze the life force out and if hold too loosely, it may fly away. So we hold it gently, allowing it to rest lightly in our palms.
And right now, I choose you and you choose me and neither of us know if we will choose the same tomorrow. We don’t know where this will go or if it will go anywhere. We have each worked hard to get to this place of comfortably standing on the fault line of love, knowing that everything can change in a moment and instead of fighting that, we embrace it.
Security is an illusion and a luxury we both reject. Because we know that people change, things change, life changes and when it does, we can welcome it with open arms or be dragged along. So we learn to let go, allowing what is to be and what will be to emerge.
I want to be chosen every day because you choose me, never because you feel obligated to me. I choose to be ravaged with passion rather than to be shackled with convention. I also want to choose you, not because we made an agreement 20 years ago and remain committed to the commitment but because we still choose each other daily.
This space between can be a scary place to live—but I believe it is the most honest way to live. In this space, there is only now. There is only this moment where the past has faded away and the future remains unwritten. We are free, both wild and untamed and neither with the desire to break, or be broken. And maybe that’s what love really is: the freedom to choose something else, and continuing to choose each other.
Author: Lisa Vallejos
Editor: Alli Sarazen
Photo: Pedro Ignacio Guridi/Flickr