Caution: Hot adult content and language below!
Imagine this if you will: I am on a beautiful beach that stretches far across the coastline. The sun is sinking into oblivion, while the ocean waves rock sensually against the shore.
I am on my beloved’s lap in yab yum—my legs wrapped around his waist—and my back resting against a rock.
We are making love.
In that moment I experience myself as fully dissolved. I am one with the earth, one with all creation. I see Aztec pyramids in my third eye. My body is alight with bliss. There is nothing else but this moment.
Yes! This is a real story!
I could write reams about the delights of tantric love-making and how it will have you dancing in the heavens and crying out to the gods.
But I won’t. Not here anyway.
I will give you a few tips though that will set you on the tantric path to bliss and hopefully inspire you into further explorations—and I don’t just mean chandeliers, fluffy pink hand-cuffs and the sort of things that “sexperts” usually go on about.
Our focus will be a full-body tantric orgasm that will fire up your loins, expand your heart, and open your eyes to seeing yourself and your beloved as god.
So here are a few tips to guide you into a more expanded experience of orgasm and to experience more intimacy, depth and deliciousness in your love-making.
There is nothing wrong with having a normal orgasm or a wild quickie when that’s where the moment is taking you, but it can also be amazing to take your love-making to the next level into something deeper, and to experience the kind of love-making and orgasm that can open you to god.
1. Take it slow.
In tantric practise, slow is good. Deep relaxation leads to lasting bliss.
This may shock those used to drilling the pavement in bed.
Mainstream society teaches us that sexual satisfaction comes from giving porn star performances. This is a bump and grind act in which the faster we chase orgasm the better.
No one speaks about how women are often left sore and chafed after sex, or are sitting planning the decor while their partners are grinding away towards a 20-second genital splat.
And both men and women miss out on the heart-opening intimacy and spiritual connection they experience when they explore more conscious love making.
And really that’s all we are truly longing for. Our deepest desire is to know source and to be met in the all that we are, in love, at the level of our hearts.
In tantra we like to get real hot. But then we slow down (sometimes into complete stillness, resting into each other) to fuel a slow-burning sensual fire. This inner fire is known as the blue flame for its cool, relaxed quality.
When we gently feed and nourish this fire, love-making can go on for hours, as waves of bliss continue to move through us.
Think Sting and Trudie Styler.
Men, you are going to need to learn to control your ejaculation to achieve this, and to have internal orgasms. But that’s another article.
Tantricas get wild, hot and crazy, but they also know when to slow down, to ride the waves of love and kindle the flame of desire.
The yoni (vagina) and lingham (penis) are actually very sensitive organs. When treated with loving care through slow, sensitive love-making, they can feel very subtle and blissful sensations.
Hard, friction-based sex—and the kind of fast, furtive masturbating young people learn behind closed doors—lead to a hardening of the delicate tissue of the genitals, and a reduction in the capacity to feel sensation.
It can take a while for the tissue of the yoni and lingham to heal from the trauma of dentist-drill sex.
Exploring slower movements and relaxing into love-making will, however, support a blossoming into deeper and deeper levels of sensation.
When you drop the goal, you find nirvana.
Also, slowing down gives you more space to really see your partner, to feel them, to love them, and to meet in deep intimacy.
2. Be real.
So yes, you have learned that the porn star performance is hot, real hot, and of course is what will keep your lover horny and interested. Drill away men, and put on a sexy little show and lap dance ladies.
But does this serve you, or your relationship, long-term? Probably not. Unless you want to star in your own movie on porn hub.
Not that the occasional slutty seduction can’t be fun—but all the time? No ways!
Tantric lovemaking is about seeking the real.
This means really learning to feel into your body, and what wants to move through you —how your sexuality wants to express itself in the real.
Woman who study tantra are taught a practise called skydancing, which ultimately leads to a very cosmic and expanded orgasm. To skydance you need to fully let go and surrender to the energy that wants to move through you.
This may resemble nothing you have ever been taught by movie stars. It may involve raucous laughter, slow undulating movements, and kundalini energy shaking up your spine.
It means letting go of the need to always look pretty, sexy and seductive, and allowing god, or your god-self, to dance through you and to awaken all your centers.
My teacher, Shakti Malan, has spoken about how men have told her she shapeshifts during love-making—in one moment looking like an innocent girl, in another an old hag, or a fierce Kali. Bliss in love-making means being willing to let go enough to be seen in all the aspects of your being.
Tantra is after all about seeking truth, seeking the real in each moment.
A man or woman, who does not love you in the real, does not love you – full stop.
3. Breasts are the passage to bliss.
Always pay special attention to a woman’s breasts when making love.
Her chichis are centers of love that radiate out a most beautiful energy when touched with deep love and reverence. A man (or woman) can feel deeply met by the love that pours out from a woman’s breasts.
When the breasts are included in love-making and touched in a delicious way, they amplify a woman’s desire and pleasure and open her deeply to love.
Forget porn star breasts and love them as they are…in all shapes and forms. In this help your woman to remember herself as goddess and to lose the inhibitions that are barriers to bliss.
4. Become Aware of your breath.
When you breathe with awareness, you connect more fully with your embodiment, and become more present in the moment. Breathe expands your belly and chest, and creates more of an opening for your heart to expand into bliss. Breathe fuels the flames of tantric fire.
Your breath connects you to all of creation, to oneness.
There are many simple yet beautiful tantric meditations that work with breathe.
5. Tantric meditations are the foundation for deeper bliss.
Some kind of meditation practise is vital in tantric love-making. Mediation, in and out of love-making, helps the practitioner to develop deeper stillness and presence. And tantra is about waking up, not just making love.
Meditation means that ultimately more of you is present in sex, in your partnerships, and in life.
Meditation develops a real sensitivity to subtle sensation. It prepares the pathways for bliss to move through. There are a myriad of very beautiful tantric meditations to explore, both solo and with a partner. Find some resources or a teacher that can guide you through this.
6. Be willing to feel.
Making love with full awareness, embodied presence and an open-heart means that deep feelings inevitably arise.
To feel is the only way we can truly open and let go into love.
All our uncompleted subconscious material around love and intimacy will be touched when we make love with totality.
Become the container for feeling to pass through, knowing that your capacity to feel your pain fully, expands your capacity to experience bliss. Sharing your vulnerability with your partner can bring you closer and deepen intimacy.
If you are closed emotionally, you will short-circuit the delicious energy that wants to dance through all of your centers.
Tears, laughter, everything—everything should be welcomed into love-making.
7. Open your heart to deep love and intimacy.
It’s not enough to fuck your partner. Tantra is about a deep seeing and witnessing of the other as the beloved. It’s about opening your heart fully to love—first for yourself, then your lover, and ultimately to god, to the beloved and to all of existence.
Nothing less will do!
So, may your explorations into deeper love-making open you to the truth of who you are, and awaken you to the love that is.
Be real, feel, love, that’s all!
Margot Anand (1990). The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Lovers
Shakti Malan (2012). Sexual Awakening for Women: A Tantric Workbook
Diana Richardson (2004). Tantric Orgasm for Women.
Diana Richardson (2004). Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation.
Author: Talia Yanate
Editor: Renee Picard
Image: Spirit of Tantra by Hartwig HKD at Flickr