June 30, 2015

How to Forget the “Ideal” to find a Real Relationship.

good mood

Are you looking for a real relationship?

On the prowl, searching the internet for how to find, land and live with the person of your dreams?

Pouring through advice, discussion and copious amounts of lists and information about what makes men and women tick?

You have learned what you want and are armed with a clear picture of what makes a woman or man “real,” strong boundaries, traits that cannot be accepted and commonalities that must be present. You are prepped for the hazards of dating and certain of a victorious hunt. Experienced, there has been growth and strong clarity about the traits a person wants in a partner, in love and life.

The “idea” of a real person can never fully match the reality of who people truly are.

It is true. Having a clear picture of what one is looking for remains essential. Boundaries are healthy. There is a great deal to appreciate in the lists of what makes relationships work or how a man or woman are real, conscious or grown-up. The lists, information and advice presented are more-or-less, accurate.

They are also completely innaccurate and totally miss the mark.

The idea, the picture, the imagination of what a loving relationship looks like does not match the actual living experiences of these type of relationships. A common ideal is constant positivity, support, health, listening, passion and vitality. One imagines a person who is constantly abiding within the confines of a list, like a spiritual Clint Eastwood or John Wayne.

Life is far different than pictures painted on screens or minds.

Life presents challenges—even the most conscious and loving individual will go through tribulation.

There are the times when everyone falters.

That guy who was the picture perfect image of conscious, real masculine is going to have bad days. The woman who has her stuff together is going to have her moments. Depending on the stresses of life and what is happening for them at the karmic-soul level, that day could last weeks, months or years.

These are opportunities to be present, to grow in awareness, compassion and love.

Expansively recognize and respect life in its immensity and mystery, how events influence a person. This is not an excuse for abusive behavior, it is a time for living and honoring the experiences each person goes through.

Tribulations are the universe wondering how much heart is involved, how much love and the depth of truth and authenticity. People who experience depression, anxiety and who hit the rough patches in life will speak with negativity and they can be hard to be around. They can be nearly unbearable to live with, at times.

The true heart will always come through such experiences stronger, wiser and changed.

Love is forged by the crucible of fiery experience.

Boys and girls take time to become aware, grow up and mature. They make hurtful mistakes. It is just how nature works, for men and women, in different ways for all people. During this growth process, the criticisms, nagging, vocalized doubts, and lack of support from a beloved only aggravate the problem.

It redirects attention away from the issue that the loved one may be going through and undermines their energy and capacity to handle things on their own, in their own way, according to their own truth. In addition, it breeds an air of defensiveness, reactivity and insecurity. When going through a truly tough time and when support is most needed, a beloved who criticizes is only destroying the relationship and undermining any sense of security.

Being present, supportive and responsive allows the person who needs the understanding to receive the support they need to fully heal and blossom.

It’s also true that such an individual can tests ones own patience, compassion and limits. Rescuing somebody—being co-dependent—are some of the emotional shadows that may stir.

One has to be clear in who they are, centered.

Ideally, one has chosen to be in a relationship where such boundary choices do not need to be made.

Growth happens in relationship regardless, most successfully where common sense, reality, communication and love reign.

Never an easy experience—sometimes a person has to act on a boundary and separate from the other. In a healthy relationship, usually a person needs to simply separate from their own egoic demands, perceptions and reactivity and not the other.

Be spacious. Allow life its meandering journies and unfolding wisdom.

A person who believes that a real relationship must fit within the confines of a list is dangerous. They are living a dream. And when the dream is challenged, such a person may become controlling, critical, judgmental and destructive.

The authentic individual is far too busy serving their families, communities and creator to deal with such personalities.

There is no time for the drama created by a person who attempts to control a person or life to match their imaginary concept of what a real man or conscious relationship, should be like.

Authentic people find others of similar heart. Ones vibe attracts the tribe. In demanding someone else to fit an ideal of consciousness, the one who holds the concept becomes bound.

The nature of expectations, boundaries, guidelines and list demands the presence of judgment, criticism, control, manipulation, desire and instability. Simply put, ego is present. Sparks will fly.

When the perceived “real man'”or “real woman” deviates from the ideal of the list, negative traits come to the surface.

It’s the source of crazy making behavior. Who wants to live with someone that is holding a checklist of what makes a person “real,” “conscious,” “masculine,” “feminine.” Basing ones emotional or relationship security on ideology will always trigger a learning curve and causes drama. Sparks can ignite.

When the list is challenged, shadow emotions arise. The cause remains insecurity, anxiety and low-self esteem. The lack of self-knowledge and awareness generates fear and triggers unconscious traits. All the traits a person didn’t want, rise to the front. It can become a growing fire of emotional reactivity, blind to oneself and the other, unconsciously causing harm to the beloved.

Acting from emotional insecurity perpetuates events and relationships that cause further instability.

Self-soothing, the secure soul relinquishes control, remains discerning without judgment, expressive without being critical, and while absent manipulation still achieves masterful results and remains present.

Looking for a “real relationship?” On the hunt for “conscious love?” Then be that person for yourself.

It’s the only chance at finding the authentic beloved.

It is good to know oneself, in doing so there is no need for a list. The secure person simply makes the choices that nurture from within. They choose relationships that nurture their community, family and life. These are choices absent control, for the decisions are based in security, knowledge and wisdom.

When we choose to be with people who are known, tested and trusted, ones emotions remain stable. The drama of being with an emotionally draining person simply is not present. Being secure and present with a person is more than ideology. It’s a heart-felt, emotional, non-verbal form of relationship.

Life is far bigger than one may imagine. Being secure in one’s own body, abiding with a calm mind, serene soul and living one’s truth fully is the very force that attracts a beloved.

Who that is, how they appear, transcends any list or boundary. They may be surprising, in who they are and what they bring to life. Can these experiences happen if ones expectations are stuffed into a box?

Have you ever found a list that made you happy, constantly?

A confine that worked all the time?

Would expecting that in a beloved or relationship, create the feeling of liberty, vitality, passion and love the heart yearns for? The beloved brings gifts that transcends boundaries.

The confines of mind are a prison the heart can never accept for long.

The serenity of soul is experiential and wholy unique for each individual. A healthy, secure relationship can nurture those aspects within each person who participates.

There are no words that can fully describe the self-evident, self-aware sense of presence and identity.

The soul is formless, the true-self cannot be pointed at and labeled. Love journies through the realms of time, body and mind-sense perception, then transcends them.

The person who is at peace within themselves will make relationship choices that bring peace in life.

It’s not even a matter of boundaries at this point. It’s simple awareness about what is truly beneficial. One is aware of the choices and consequences. When acting consciously, even the negative results of ones own choices can be embraced with equanimity.

Self-knowledge and love begets serenity.

Lists will be challenged, ideals investigated and depths of love explored. The soul defies limitation. The rational mind can never really understand the heart and soul, they are wordless, experiential aspects of the whole being.

With these personal aspects, they are a type of relationship that happens within oneself. The nature of the inner relationship is one’s strongest influence in external relationships. Ones own inner relationship dynamics are played out in our external relationships, most intensely with the ones closest to us.

Relationship dynamics have far more to do with intuitive response, recognizing and seeing a person purely, for who they are in the moment. Validating their expression, even when disagreeing. Allowing acceptance, when ones own way is different. Asking questions rather than assuming. Recognizing the other rather than competing. Co-creating rather than controlling. And rather than looking at flaws, abiding with gratitude.

Awareness cultivates love and nurtures prosperity, stability, authenticity and relationship.

Want a real man, a real woman, a real friend, a real relationship?

Be yourself, purely and unabashedly, expansive, at peace within and living authentically.

Allow the rest to take care of itself.


Relephant read:

7 Relationship Green Flags for Everybody.


Author: Keith Artisan 

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: unsplash

Read 2 Comments and Reply

Read 2 comments and reply

Top Contributors Latest

Keith Artisan  |  Contribution: 10,260