I used fall asleep every night fantasizing about this flawless version of me.
I could picture it so clearly:
I’d be fearless as a thunderstorm and brave as a lightning bolt. I’d be unstoppable, and never, ever struggle with constant, racing thoughts or mind-numbing anxiety.
For as long as I can remember, that’s been my goal.
So, I’ve been policing my panic attacks and deleting my pain, waiting patiently for the day when I’d be 100 percent problem free.
That day has not yet come.
It never will.
As the breeze tickles my arm on this Summery evening, I’m done waiting.
Because all along, I’ve wanted to get to this place of sparkling perfection where…
My lips would be pinned into a permanent smile and I’d always beam proudly like the sun at high noon.
My knees would never be shaky and I’d know, instantly, all the right things to say.
The world would never let me down and people’s words would never prick me like sharp thorns.
I’ve longed to be flawless shiny…but, you know what?
I don’t want that anymore.
Because I’m not flawless and shiny.
I’ve got edges and quirks for days.
I’m rough in spots, not sanded down properly.
I’m wounded and bruised; vulnerable, shy and shaky.
We all are.
It’s so f*cking beautiful.
Why cover it up?
We are imperfect, gorgeously wounded humans.
We are meant to feel and f*ck up and fall apart and be all the more brilliant for it.
We do not have to become fearless or flawless.
We can move forward even when we’re shaking.
We can attain amazing things even when we’re heartbroken or panicked or unravelling at the seams.
So be scared.
Feel what you need to feel!
That takes real courage.
Close your eyes.
Open your heart wide to the world.
Don’t wait to become perfect or problem free.
Be right here.
In jewelled imperfectness of where you are now.
Author: Sarah Harvey
Editor: Renée P