July 24, 2015

Hope for a Single Mum.

mom and daughter

My children were watching Finding Nemo. Hiding from the sticky flies and midday heat. Dreaming of snorkeling in the water with what was before them on the screen.

Later we would venture outdoors for an evening swim, but for now, voyeuristic swimming would be all we could achieve.

I was tidying bedrooms but could still hear the TV in the background, and little Dory’s catch cry “Just Keep Swimming” seemed to have particular resonance. I stopped, sat on a newly made bed and pondered the “Just Keep Swimming” concept.

I have been a solo parent for five years.

Whoa, the amount of times I have had to grit my teeth and “just keep swimming” are too numerous to recall. When the children fight incessantly and you are the only one there to sort it all out. When they come home with homework and readers and projects and you are the one source of assistance and help and advice for all three kids—exhausting thought.

When you are responsible for everything in the household, every decision rests on your shoulders, and you collapse into bed at night knowing you have been “grumpy mummy” again that day because you are just carrying too much—a load that one human being was not created to carry alone. When you cry at night because you just long for tender, loving arms to hold you. That soft place to fall when it’s all too much. Yes. You have to be strong and trusting and “just keep swimming.”

That said, the swimming is getting easier as the kids get older. More responsible. More mature. Or maybe the nature of the swimming is changing. I find I am swimming with deadlines, activity groups and chores instead of three sets of nappies, afternoon sleeps and kinder runs.

Yet in all the swimming, somehow I am learning to love this crazy exasperating life—and that, for me is the real miracle of discovery that has been five years in the making. The creation of my acceptance. The realisation that my life actually is beautiful.

Throughout this time I have, in all honesty, had strong moments of bitterness. Here I am, living in a small, kind of remote country town, but I am here because of proximity to my children’s father, and because it is close to my parents for much needed support. Living in a country town is also a far more relaxed lifestyle for raising children, and for a single mother (or anyone for that matter), oodles more affordable than a good standard of living in the city would be. In many respects I do not feel that I have a great deal of choice about the vicinity in which I live—and for the most part, that is okay.

But for the rest of the time, therein lies the difficulty and the source of my little apple of bitterness.

I have a career qualification that does not lend itself to many jobs around here, and I know I could earn three times the salary I earn here if I lived in Melbourne. In being here I forfeit climbing that particular career ladder. In being a single mother juggling part time work and motherhood I forfeit good superannuation and therefore, a financial healthy retirement.

In being a single mother of three, shall we say, vivacious children, and my being of an artistic bent in a remote country town, I find like minded men very thin on the ground.

In being here I forfeit the opportunity to date anyone, find a kindred spirit relationship, or even have sex. Sigh. I have spent five years grieving over the end of my, albeit girlhood, dreams of relationship, and also lamenting the situation I now find myself in, which was certainly not a part of my original life plan.

Now, that all sounds terribly morbid and horrible doesn’t it? However, I’ve discovered heaven or hell exists in our minds, not in our circumstances. Yes, the circumstances are “not fair,” but since when was life fair to anyone?

I believe we make our own happiness through our thoughts.

There has been so much research in the field of neuroplasticity in recent years, and as the title implies, it refers to the capacity of our minds to be malleable. Our thought process can be changed, and through that, our life perspective. Our happiness.

I have been angry, sad and overwhelmed with my situation, and it is only recently, through employing neuroplasticity techniques and associated spiritual beliefs, that I have learnt acceptance and love for my life. When one said “acceptance” in reference to shitty circumstances, I used to think “Ugh! I will never resign myself to a horrible life!” However, I am not talking about resignation, I am talking about Marlin and Dory in Finding Nemo. Marlin, through past conditioning, tried to control every aspect of his life, and operated in fear. Dory taught him to let go, to accept the guidance of the Universe, while all the while pursuing his heart. It’s a beautiful film.

That is what I am talking about. I have learnt, and continue to learn, to enjoy the moment I live in right now, while working toward the dreams of my heart. When I engage and practise mindfulness in this moment—with all the sounds, sights, feelings, relationships, tastes, smells and emotions of the moment—I find my life is richer and more beautiful. I love all things in my life more, it begets gratitude.

Funny thing is, gratitude begets more engagement with the present moment too—a lovely cycle.

So I look at my life anew with a more trusting, less controlling and fearful heart.

I see the brand new home where I live, all geared up for sustainable living—comfortable, economical, inviting. I see three children who are warm, intelligent, happy and out-going. I see a job where I have amazing flexibility in my work hours—perfect for an ever juggling single mum! A job in a field I actually really love—marketing, social media and public relations…who knows where it may lead me in years to come?

I see a community that celebrates my presence (how many city communities are like that?!) and supports my family and our situation through so many random acts of kindness. And a community in which I can be actively involved and invited to contribute. I see an ever increasing circle of intelligent, insightful, loving and beautiful women friends…that aspect of my life alone truly humbles me. I have more girlfriends here in my tiny little rural town that I had when I lived with my ex-husband in a rural city four times the size!

When I step back and look at those bald facts, I am overcome with how perfectly all my needs have been provided for. My worries and concerns are diminished enormously. I also know that my concerns about love, desire, career and future finances are being taken care of because I believe that the Universe only has good things for me.

That’s the Law of Attraction and the Law of Detachment. That’s making room for the aspects of what is missing in my life to spontaneously emerge. That’s doing the Dory thing…just swimming and trusting that it’s going to be ok.

So, I finally got up off the newly made bed and went out to smile at my children who promptly hugged me and told me I was “the prettiest Mummy ever.” That evening our real life swim in the golden pink sunset and twilight was just perfect.

It really is a beautiful life, and I know the future is bound to be very rosy indeed.


Relephant Read: 

The Reality of Life as a Single Mom.


Author: Kesenya Moore 

Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: simpleinsomnia/Flickr

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