July 19, 2015

How we will Fall for Each Other—& then Fall Apart.


This is how you will fall for me.

Like a brick falling from the sky,

Crashing through the roof of your car into the passenger seat.

You will be blindsided. You won’t want it to happen and neither of us will have planned it, but one day, you will wake up with your arms around me and it will feel just right.

Like every cell in your body belongs—you are right where you should be.

You will listen to me breathing and you will hear my heartbeat through your chest.

Maybe this isn’t exactly how you wanted things to be, but with me next to you, nothing else will matter.

Absurdity will trump logic. You will resist it, being the logical person that you are—you will try to conceal it.

But your breaking point will be that morning when you held me close and you abandoned all logic.

I, with my hair tangled across my face, fingers laced to yours and soul bared open, will become your answer.

And when I open my eyes, I will find you staring right through me.

When you get to work the next day, you will rack your brain trying to figure out how I left your heart in such utter shambles. Is it my idly and often dark sense of humor? Or is it my goofy laughter?

I drink too much wine. I eat like a starving circus animal. I make love without inhibitions.

You can take me anywhere and (almost) at any given time.

You can have me in the shower.

On the bed. The kitchen counter. The couch. The carpet. The cold kitchen floor. Against the window. Against the door. Against your soul. Against all odds.

You can have me and I will let you have me because that’s what I love.

I love passion. I love the motion. I love to be enveloped in the realms of your devotion. I can sit through an hour of your little monologues. I will listen and laugh at your silly little comic transitions. We will have heated debates about politics and religion. But I will admire your relentless conviction.

You will spend days trying to figure out why and how you found me. I will be going about my days like I don’t care about what the future holds for us.

Such different people, you and I.

Me with my precious words and syntax engraved in my sketchpad of a heart and you with your routines and your formulas written in graphs.

But I will win you over. I told you I would. I always do. I’m not bragging. I just knew. Because I knew how this would start…and I know how this will end.

So why didn’t I stop when I knew this was not going to end well? Why didn’t I leave when I had the chance? Why did I stay until you had to ask me to leave? Why did I subject myself into this painful little charade when you knew I was strong enough to walk out before you did?

This is how we will end. You will try to convince yourself that I am the answer.

You will try to convince yourself that you have the question that needs an answer. And like many other problems that demand solutions, I will be your resolution.

But darling, I am not really yours to be taken. I am not your existential amusement park. I was not an answer to a question that you created.

You will realize that I am nothing but a shallow misrepresentation of everything you thought was right. You will demand that I give more than what I have given and when I have nothing left to give, you will realize that I’m not enough.

I will never be the girl you met by a park bench in a beautiful city. I will not be the girl you can bring home to your family and marry. I will never be the quiet one. The somber one.

I will never be the girl you can dress up and bring to your high school gathering. I’m too much and yet always too little of everything. I will never be your best option.

I will always be too rambunctious and too adventurous. I will be too independent and too idealistic. You will realize that despite all the passion and chemistry, I will still never be enough for you, evidently.

Because your logic will precede love and reasons; slowly you will dislike me. You will despise my laughter and my sense of humor. You will forget about how we cuddled together at nights when you had nothing in the world as real as you and me.

I will not be enough for you and you will decide to stop loving me.

I will be seated here listening to you string words together and gather enough courage to shatter my already weak heart, into a thousand little pieces.

But I will know before you even start. Don’t be surprised if I ask you to just stop.

When that day comes, I will ask you to stop.

I have been on that side.

It will be very hard.

So I will skip all the bullshit for us and I will open the door and let you out.

Yes, you can have me for the last time. No, I’m not hoping for a miracle or for you to change your mind. I won’t even ask you to. You can have me now because I want you to.

Yes, I know how this will end. But the journey will be it.

You will wake up one day and you will find yourself aboard the wrong ship but for me, I really didn’t mind this detour.

You see, love, to me you were worth the try. I seized a once in a lifetime ride.

It wasn’t against all odds…there were no odds to begin with.

I never even have to ask when or how or why.


Relephant Read:

Dear Right Person, Wrong Time.


Author: AJ Marasigan

Editor: Emily Bartran

Photo: Google images for reuse

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