July 2, 2015

Let’s Get Intimate: Two Lovers, One Desire. {Adult Q&A}


Do you have questions about creating intimacy or developing mindful relationships?
Confusing questionsAwkward onesDeep, dark scary ones? 

I want them. Email your questions to: [email protected].

All relephant questions will be answered with loving kindness. (Yes. Every one.)
Authors remain anonymous. 
No judgments, just soulful answers.

After the break-up with the mother of my four year old boy, I’ve embarked on a road to change.

The break-up has been quite emotional for me. When I met another woman almost a year later I fell for her like a brick. She kept distancing herself and this literally drove me crazy. It made me realize how I had suffered and how insecure I actually was of myself. I also became aware of certain narcissist traits in myself. She is a real empath and says she can’t see me/be there for me because she is still struggling with her own break up with the father of her two (very young) kids. She says her ex is the biggest narcissist one could ever find.

After she withdrew for a couple of weeks and left me in the cold I decided to date another woman. I relate really well with her and we definitely have an intellectual click, as well as very hot sex. We have gotten quite close, but I don’t want to commit just yet. I’m quite clear to her about my position, but she is falling in love with me quickly.

In the meanwhile the first lady made her way back in my life. I’ve told her I still want her and that I also have a relationship with the other girl. I’ll see woman A tonight again and I know that we’ll be having really really great sex. She has the most wonderful body and sensitivity I’ve ever seen. She drives me absolutely mad!

My relationship with woman B is better however. We have a better click, but woman B is a bit colder and more independent (doesn’t need my help) and I’m drawn to her but in a lesser emotional manner than with woman A. Woman B is also able to put a mirror in front of me instead of going along in my egocentric behavior.

Do you think I’m acting in an immoral manner by dating more than one woman and not being completely open about this to both? Should I also be completely open with woman B in the risk of losing this potential life partner? Why can’t I simply quit seeing the needy woman A (and forego the great sex with her)?


It’s wonderful that you’ve acknowledged the changes you are making in your life after the break-up with your son’s mother. Often the parts of our lives that are not working provide the catalyst to create the shift we need to be our best selves. I hope you’ll take a moment to honor that transition in yourself.

As transitions occur (and they may take a while!), we need to be particularly careful about our actions so that we don’t fall into previous unhelpful behaviors that sabotage our growth. It’s a beautiful thing to connect deeply with another person. Each human being we experience communion with is a blessing in that it is an opportunity for us to delve honestly into our selves and work through the obstacles that keep us from being that highest self we desire to be.

In your situation, you have found what sounds like two amazing women, both of whom offer you some aspect of what you need at the moment. Fully connective sexuality (Woman A) and the arena for expansive self-development along with intense sexuality (Woman B). With the first woman, your attraction is that delicious pull to the sexual, which in itself is soul-expanding and elevating.

There is a thrill of abandon, yet it is combined with the fear of abandonment. This may be why you felt the need to move on when she pulled away.

While the second woman has all the aspects you want—satisfying sex, intellectual rapport—the fact that she “doesn’t need your help” may make you feel less empowered. In reality, she is asking you to step into your power (the one she knows you have, which is why she is falling in love with you). In short, Woman B does need you. But she doesn’t need to fix you; that’s your job.

We all know that we cannot be in a relationship fully until we have developed a strong sense of stability within ourselves. We cannot ask others to hold or reflect the parts of ourselves that we don’t like very much. This will only result in continuing the cycle of personal unbalance.

Woman A drives you mad, but she also drove you away when she turned from you in order to tend to her life. That’s her journey, but it sparked something in you that made you move on as well. Woman B loves you, and wants you to grow by not supporting the small self (your “egocentric behavior”). She has her independence, which means she has a self that, like Woman A, she nurtures. Perhaps she is giving you space to do the same while being in relationship with her.

Ultimately, your path is what matters.

Sounds narcissistic, I know, but it truly isn’t! Here’s why: You are creating an amazing self to bring out into the world. In order to do this, you have the opportunity to decide what will support your growth. Is it sexual connection right now? Then embrace that, and learn from it. Are you ready to investigate what healthy intimacy can bring you in relationship? Then that is the path that will feel right for you deep in your gut.

What an amazing adventure!

Yes, being honest with both women is essential. Your growth as a human being is nothing to be ashamed of. Being up front about where you are and what you need—with loving kindness, of course—will only serve to support you on your journey.

When we make this great and valiant trek on the road of psycho-spiritual evolution, we owe our potential partners the opportunity to decide if our path jives with theirs. Only in that way can we create the kind of sustainable intimacy that will allow both partners to grow.

Happy loving!



Relephant Read:

Marry a Man who Knows you are Real.


Author: Rachel Astarte

Editor: Travis May

Photo: Flickr/Blue Mountain Local Studios

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