Warning: A wee bit of naughty language ahead!
I have always remained cautious, reserving some powerful force of love for someone who I am certain wouldn’t squash it with their own insecurities, fears and beliefs.
I’ve always kept that barrier impenetrable by outside forces, even excluding myself at times.
My own criticism brought on more bricks to add to this already enormous wall.
It was when I made the choice to begin knocking down this wall that I saw this blinding light peering through from the other side.
In times of emotional unrest, I’d speak ill of myself incessantly. I’d criticize, hate, curse and belittle my thoughts, desires and wisdom for fear that if someone were to see who I truly was, I’d be crushed like so many women before me. Why can’t I just be docile, like society tells me?
Recently, I greeted two sacred women into my life. I had been asking for a connection to a powerful female in hopes that I might embrace my wildness with more ease. However, the meeting didn’t feel as easy as I had expected.
When I realized the resistance I had displayed, I was enamored. I had lunch last week with one of these dear women, who is clearly in tune with her sacred femininity and isn’t hesitant about living in it. While I was conversing with her, though, I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I was unable to make direct eye contact for more than a moment and conversation was hesitant on my end.
In the moment, I couldn’t pin point exactly why this was happening. That was when I decided to dig deeper. I look up to her in many ways, and as I expanded myself and embraced who I am more fully, I become more in sync with this energy.
“I felt honored, unworthy and starstruck by her. Not only does she embody all that I know is within me, she does it in a way that is so eloquent and composed that it seems like she’s hiding some grand secret behind her smile. I couldn’t believe that I was accepted by someone so worthy of the utmost respect. She’s elegant, comfortable and gentle in her power. She emits the type of essence I’ve always longed to embrace. Why would she want to be friends with someone like me? Someone who is clearly weak, young and afraid?”
I wrote this in my journal on August 20th.
“Perhaps I was uncomfortable because she sees me for who I am. She bows to the light, to the Wild Woman within me. Perhaps I feel unworthy of the very light that is within myself.”
Truth resonated with an intense shiver of ecstatic pleasure. I felt it within my entire being. Every inch, every cell was vibrating with life. This passionate energy is an intimidating, though. It’s wild and uncontainable. It gives all and receives all at the same time.
The light and darkness that we fear within others is that very same light and darkness that is within ourselves.
For many years, I kept that wildness locked up in a cage, afraid of its potentially disastrous effects on my life, were it unleashed. I realized that I suffered greatly when this powerful force was ignored.
So, the question is this: How do I give my all in a world where giving it all translates into “unstable” or “crazy” behavior? In other words, how does one give their all without fear of being labeled as a “slut,” a “whore” or another harmful word associated with the true behavior of a “wild” woman?
Where do we begin to unleash this energy?
For the past few weeks, I’ve bridled and saddled this wild horse-like energy, trying to ride it with a firm hand, disappointed and critical when it kicked me off and dismantled the saddle in protest. It was quietly tormenting me, and when this energy peered out at times, I’d do everything in my power to suppress it quickly and quietly. In the times where it did peer out, I’d become incredibly fearful of it, like one would fear a charging stallion. It’s too much to bear all at once.
I am being called to unleash this energy, to live in harmony with it; to stop trying to domesticate and lock up this beautiful creature called femininity.
I grew up in a world that told me to lock it up, to silence it, to eradicate it. For unleashing this uninhibited nature would be irresponsible and crazy.
Over the years, I’ve learned to dismiss any spontaneous emotion as instability. I was told that becoming angry, sad or happy within a moment of each other was just me “PMSing” or “being a woman.”
Pray tell, why is it so many women feel that they need validation? The answer is in the text, friends. We live in a society that tells us we’re nuts, when in actuality, we are emotionally charged creatures, by nature.
Imagine, for a moment, that the woman is our moon (metaphorically, of course).
The moon has two faces. One half of her surface lies in pure darkness, unable to turn and see the light, for all she sees is the unlimited black of the infinite universe. This is the side that we are told to ignore, because this is the side that, when unleashed, is uncontrollable. The other side of La Luna appears bright and vivid. This is the part that the world sees, the smiling, gentle, often docile side. This side has been accepted by the patriarchal world that we inhabit. It is the surface of the moon, not the whole thing. It is the part of her she shows to us, this part of her is constantly changing, every day a new part of her face is revealed or darkened by shadows. Much like a woman, the moon’s shadows (or emotions) change, day by day.
Do we call the moon crazy for being a crescent moon one day and a half moon the next?
No one sees the dark side of her except herself, and the heavens above.
However, we do accept that she has that dark side, but we do not judge her for having it. We accept her as she is. The bright, beautiful moon in our sky.
You cannot hide that which you wish to exclude. Try as we might to suppress our “darkness,” it is still a part of who we are. Males and females alike.
Darkness is not evil. Darkness is wild. Darkness is sexy, sultry, slow and deliberate. Darkness often outshines the light because darkness holds so many secrets. I see darkness as the heart of the moon; the heart of women.
The truth lies in the darkness. Vulnerability lies in darkness.
If we can’t face our own darkness, our deepest desires, our wildest dreams and our warmest love, how can we ever be whole?
Author: Sarah Winston
Editor: Emily Bartran
Photo: Petras Gagilas/Flickr