“Amazing,” you said.
I don’t want to be amazing.
I don’t want to be understanding.
I don’t want to hold anyone else’s pain.
I don’t want to search for all the right answers or try to fix all the problems,
I don’t want to put anyone’s feelings first.
I just want to be me.
Tonight, I want to fall and feel f*cked up—I want to let myself scream and cry and crumble to the ground.
I want to run, until every breath in my lungs burns so hot that my mind forgets any pain in my heart.
Tonight, I want to feel all alone and empty.
I want to drain every thought and feeling from my body, until I am numb.
I want to be drunk—so that the numbness turns to floating, and I am lighter than air.
I want to be high—so that the lightness turns to laughter, and I laugh until I am exhausted.
But—I won’t do any of those things.
Instead, I will follow the pull of the moon to the lake.
I will sit alone, under her bright, full orb as she dances across the water,
I will breathe slowly, as I bask in her light, caressing every inch of my skin.
I will close my eyes and feel the glow of her shining on me.
I will stay there until all the madness leaves my mind,
And maybe I won’t feel amazing, but I will stay there until I am at peace.
Author: Stephanie Parry
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina