At the time of writing this I am close to hitting the 6 months celebration point of being booze free.
No alcohol for six months is such a surprise for me!
I really do amaze myself, and I do feel proud. However I must say, it is making me feel very…anxious.
I feel anxiety because I wonder if I will I ever be able to drink again.
Will I fall back into a negative pattern, a downward spiral, a blubbering, slurring, promiscuous mess if I go back to drinking? Will I get back to drinking every night?
It really makes me feel very nervous.
I wonder if I can return to moderation, and drink only occasionally, or for special events?
Do I need a new set of rules?
I have been on and off alcohol before and I was a fairly moderate drinker before three solid years of enduring grief and personal challenges inspired a booze smashing binge.
I lost all my immediate family to cancer in a four year period.
My sister died from breast cancer at the young age of 47, and both my parents died within 2 years of each other from lung cancer. Life really sucked for awhile, so I drank to forget, and to temporarily avoid my reality, because it was incomprehensible. How could I live without my loved ones?
Well I managed eventually.
I decided one day after looking at myself long and hard in the mirror, that I really hated what I saw. I was miserable, overweight, depressed. I really looked like shit, and I needed to make serious changes.
Giving up drinking was my first big step in the right direction towards becoming a new improved version of myself, and one I now love very much.
I have managed to stay off all alcohol now because I have been very strict with myself. I have written about the experience diligently, and have managed to resist its tempting lure as I travelled all around the world. I know I am so much better without drinking, for me the lifestyle benefits without alcohol, are significantly better than getting drunk every night.
Since I have given up drinking I have been writing intensely. I realise I love writing and I want to publish books. I have multiple waves of inspiration flowing through my bright clear mind, and I have been taking motivated and inspired action to make my dreams a reality. What could be better?
I know I am much better off without drinking, but the thought of never drinking again is also overwhelming and stress provoking.
A champagne-less wedding? No thirst quenching cold hard cider after a hot day? No wine sampling at beautiful wineries? No more mojitos with fresh mint? Ever again? Now that is overwhelming.
How have you tackled returning to alcohol after a long break? Or have you decided that never going back to drinking is really the best choice for you?
I am struggling and undecided about my resolution to avoid, give up, or simply take a temporary break from drinking.
I know my stance on drinking is ultimately up to me, but I would love to know how other people have overcome this challenge.
Author: Anita Ozolins
Editor: Renee Jahnke
Image: Denise Mattox-Flickr