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September 1, 2015

For Those who have Never Felt Truly Loved—Let’s Break the F*ck Up! {Adult}

woman lie on ground

Warning: Adult language ahead!

It is easy to get stuck inside of our own heads—the place where we stand alone—judging every single mistake we’ve ever made.

But, this is not where we really live—and our mistakes do not define us.

We are beautifully flawed humans—and we are supposed to f*ck up.

We are supposed to make mistakes, sometimes hurting those we love most—making choices that our heart tells us are wrong.

No one gets out of this life without having dirty knees and a broken a heart.

A sign of living a great life—we have pain from taking chances, and trying our hardest.

This is the heartbreaking irony of life, love and the journey. Sometimes we partner with someone and hope it will last forever.

It’s a journey that has shown me that I have never been truly loved.

I have never had someone say that they want all of me—each and every part, every moment of amazingness and every moment of chaos and tears.

It’s cigars and mojitos at sunset, pancakes and warm embraces freckled with the giggles of my girls as sunrise—and the thousand moments in between that taste like a dream I can’t quite forget.

I have had a few times when I felt loved, and although I have heard the words, “I love you” many times—I know that I have never really and truly felt them.

I sometimes wonder if I even know what it would feel like to be loved completely—or if it’s even possible.

On the darkest of days—I question if I am meant to remain unloved, forever.

Because life is nothing if not ironic and while my heart possibly holds more love than any other—it also is a bit of rule breaker and can be intimidating at times.

I have lain awake under the full moon too many nights thinking of all the mistakes I’ve made. Situations where I didn’t act the way I should have, times when I wish I had spoken up, followed my heart or even had just stood my ground.

I have woken up in the middle of the night from the dream of a reality I can’t escape—tears streaming down my face with my arms locked around my body—holding myself tight in my dreams.

And so, I ran away—I ran away under the guise of freedom—thinking that I didn’t really need anyone—that I can do it all on my own.

How wrong I was.

I think now that the true definition of independence isn’t being able to do everything on our own—but knowing that instead, we do need someone—and it is okay to need.

It is okay to need and it is also okay to want—to just say f*ck it—f*ck the world and being tough and strong—and instead, curling up in our softest clothes next the one we love—letting that be enough.

We don’t need to slay dragons every day—sometimes it’s simply enough to sit with life.

The lessons lI’ve earned have stained the visions in my eyes—making it sometimes hard to see my future.

Having never been loved isn’t a sentence that we have to succumb to—no—it’s something that makes our hearts stronger.

Realizing that I’ve never been truly loved, makes me realize what kind of love I actually want—and need.

I decided to break the f*ck up with my past—and I kicked it’s lying tired a$$ right out my door too.

Because I don’t need it anymore.

I don’t need to feel small or inconsequential.

I don’t need my mistakes to remind me why my future won’t work out the way I want it to.

I also don’t need to stand tall—pretending that I can and want to do this life all by myself.

I don’t need to hang onto my past like I hold tight to the stuffed animal I sleep with.

Quite frankly, I really don’t give a f*ck about why sh*t didn’t work out.

Honestly, in a way—I am kind of glad about all those mistakes—because I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t made them.

And, so I am making the choice to fall in love with my present—and the the woman I am today.

The one who has been emotional lately, crying every day at the most random times, the one who always has ice cream in her freezer and who loves the quiet of night.

I also know now that I want great love and need it too.

Because no matter how independent I am, no matter how much I can handle my own sh*t—a good guy friend of mine pointed out recently—I still need to be taken care of sometimes.

And while this may be the hardest lesson to accept—I feel that in some ways it is the most important.

Because we first have to break up with our past—mistakes and all, so that we are in a place to actually fall in love with the beauty of now.

When we realize this, we can we make the commitment to marry our future.

~

Relephant read:

How to Love a Man who has Never been Truly Loved.

~

Author: Kate Rose

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: used with permission from Anna Skahill/flickr

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