When I was cheated on this year, I was hit by a whirlwind of emotions.

I lost myself in a rabbit hole for what seemed like forever.

My initial reaction was to blame myself for what happened. Maybe I wasn’t smart enough, or strong enough, or pretty enough. Maybe I was just too much to handle and too hard to love. Maybe I was too needy for affection or commitment.

While piecing together the puzzle, and after months of digging and prying, making myself crazy, unstable and sick, I finally realized that a part of me had been taken that I would never get back.

I knew that I couldn’t keep fighting for something when it was no longer present, and I knew I had to make the choice for my own health to walk away—with a giant hole in my chest.

Naturally when we feel depleted we look to other things to fill the void.

I didn’t know what I needed exactly, but I knew I needed to leave for a while. So I did. I was so filled with anger, hate, and sadness. I was in such a vulnerable place that I completely closed myself off. I knew I wanted to feel loved again but did not feel worthy to accept any kind of love. I was bitter and harsh and pushed away anyone who tried to show me any type of affection.

I wondered: why did he get to experience happiness when I was still stuck in my own personal hell?

But, there is a beauty in people wandering in and out of our lives. They come in the form of angels or lessons, and I have learned that sometimes the ones who get the biggest reactions from us happen to be our greatest teachers.

These past months I have battled with myself over and over. I have learned the deep values of self worth and self love. I was able to dig down and somehow pull myself out of that f*cking rabbit hole—and most importantly I was able to forgive.

Not for his sake, but for my own.

Forgiveness is one of those things you can’t really move forward without. And although a part of me was taken, I have realized that it is okay, and possibly even necessary. Because in the hole that was left, a space was created for something better and more beautiful to take place.

 

The truth is, it was not my fault. It was never my fault.

The choices that people make do not reflect on our self worth. Remember that.

 

Relephant: 

Relationships: Why We Cheat.

 

Author: Anjali Romaniuk

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Hernán Piñera/Flickr