January 2, 2016

I Want.

searching in darkness, heart on fire, stars

“I want. Always.”

It was the last text message I sent to my friend, and as I thought about it, it was one of the most honest things I had said in a long time.

This wanting was causing a pain and a heartache so deep inside me that I felt my heart would bleed into the hands of any one that came across my path.

I want.

The desire, the ecstasy, the exquisite pain of wanting—part of what makes us human.

Yet, how much does wanting something or someone affect the ability we have to enjoy the very object of our wanting? What if we receive exactly what we want? Will we be satisfied with what we have? Or will we want something else—something more?

In the movie, Dangerous Beauty, it is said, “It is the wanting that keeps us alive.”

Does wanting keep us from giving up? Does it propel us to set goals and reach toward that which inspires us?
But, what if wanting is the very cause and source of all our pain? What if wanting is the cause of all the wars and betrayals and violence? That someone wanted something from someone else…

What if we didn’t want? What if we gave up all our wanting, and we could let go? What if we no longer wanted what we felt we should have and looked around at what was already ours and we felt grateful? 
What if we could want what we already have?

We would be free to accept and love and embrace all that we do not have and have ever wanted before.
We would appreciate every single moment in a way that we could never see with our wanting clouding our own vision.
We would be conduits for sharing love and light with others instead of trying to hoard and reach for that which we may not ever be able to attain.
We would not want for the sake of wanting, but we would receive and give love in a way that would allow us to welcome others into our widening circle.
We would open our hearts to new connections instead of closing ourselves off from those we fear might hurt us.
We would see every person and opportunity as a lesson to be learned from and we would welcome every encounter while leaning into our fear of loss and pain.
We would not run from the pain we feel, but we would try to understand it.
We would love in a way that allows those we love to feel free to be themselves.
Our hurt and pain would be seen as lessons to be learned from instead of objects to avoid.
And the irony in no longer wanting,is that our hearts would be open to receive everything we have ever been terrified to hope for.

If we didn’t want, we would receive all we have ever wanted, and more.



I’m Not Looking for “Forever,” I’m Looking for Right Now.


Author: Stephanie Parry

Editor: Caitlin Oriel

Image: José Manuel Ríos Valiente/Flickr

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