January 4, 2016

There’s One Hidden Reason why you’re Still Single.

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Why you’re still effing Single? Maybe you…actually want to be.

I ran into two longtime acquaintances in a cafe the other day—Boxcar, in Boulder.

It came up that one of the ladies (about 40 years old, one divorce) was single and didn’t want to be. She joked about how another friend of mine, looking to rent her flat while she was away, was critical of the fact that she owned a full-size bed instead of, say, a Queen. He offered that perhaps she was single (something they’d apparently discussed—it’s a frustration of hers) because of some psychological state of mind that ended up with her not making space in her life, or bed, for another.

She’s independent, powerful, accomplished, travels constantly.

I offered another reason: “Speaking personally, maybe we enjoy our independence. Maybe we like sleeping deeply without being woken up a few times every night. Maybe we like dating. Maybe we like being able to travel and work obsessively and maybe we care about the mission behind our work. Maybe we’re single because, deep down—though we think we want a happily ever after The One, maybe we want to be single.”

For me, that’s true. I enjoy dating—every woman I date is like a new planet, full of strange and wonderful discoveries. I’ve made friends with myself, or at least my loneliness. I enjoy Netflixing and Chilling…by myself (well, with my dog). I enjoy being able to work without feeling guilty.

So maybe, just maybe, beneath all of that longing and dissatisfaction and frustration with being Alone, with being Single…maybe you actually want to be Single. Maybe you’re behaving in a way that keeps you single, ultimately.

And if you find that at all true, maybe look at that. Contemplate. Sit by yourself. Go for a hike. Find a special place, and swim beneath the waves of your longing, and really question yourself: Do I want to continue to be single? Do I want to commit to marriage, or a long-term relationship?

What do I want?

And then, whatever the answer, or whatever the question that remains, you’ll be free of the frustration. Free of the not-feeling-in-gear with yourself, and your life, and your full-size bed.




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