April 19, 2016

For Authentic Relationships: The 1st & 2nd Most Important Things to Know.

couple sweet brushing hair

I am becoming a crone, polished like a stone in a riverbed by life’s currents, and just beginning to see this life as a temporary journey in which I am neither the orchestrator nor the victim, but rather a soul connected by fate and design to other souls.

We are all here, I believe, to teach each other and, when possible, to enjoy each other along the way through love, laughter and shared connections.

Through acquaintances, friendships, and romantic connections, our lives are intertwined and often tangled, their combined energies sometimes septic, sometimes synergistically beautiful.

For many years, I believed life to be beyond my control. But I know now that it isn’t at all. I have discovered that the secret to finding happiness, and attracting people who are like-minded and who reflect the things I need to see about myself, is recognizing and believing that I deserve joy in my life.

I know I am like you. 

We both have an inner knowing that, when we choose to listen, does not betray us. We just have to learn to believe and act upon what it says, even when our minds tell us something different.

The only way we can realize that purpose and feel a sense of fulfillment in our lives is if we take risks and not only know with our heads, but believe in our hearts that we are worthy of the gifts and relationships that are waiting for us.

Friendships are beautiful, and perhaps the most important thing we can do is to find our tribe. They are our support and our mirrors, and they bring us challenges and joy that make life beautiful.

The second most important thing we can do, if we decide we want a romantic partnership, is truly realize that we deserve a love that doesn’t make us shrink ourselves.

Relationships are like puzzle pieces. Sometimes we try to make our pieces fit with the pieces of others, even when they don’t really match up. No matter how much we try to change or how much we try to rationalize, in the end the parts just don’t fit. Many of us think that if we nurture or manipulate those pieces enough, eventually they will fit.

Friend, this is the truth: they will not fit.

And the second part of that truth is this: it is okay.

Even if you and another person are only meant to shine in each other’s lives for a little while, it is through that person that we learn to discover what we truly need, and what we don’t need. Embrace that, because in it there is peace.

There is someone out there that matches you completely. It is not about where you look to find them, what you’re wearing, or how you do you hair.

It is all about what you decide you will allow in your life.

If you decide you have to be someone you are not to attract the “right” person, you will get exactly what you set out to find. You will find someone who likes the version of you that you present to them, even if it is not real.

If you decide that you need people in your life who are damaged or incapable of loving you fully, because somewhere in your heart you think those people are the only ones who can accept your flaws, you will find them.

If you decide you should tolerate someone who is not faithful to you, because you think you don’t deserve someone who is good and kind and who can love you completely, you will find exactly that.

But if you decide that you want, deserve, and need someone who will love you for all that you are, and all that you are not, you will find them. And if you decide that you truly are worthy of someone whose light shines as brightly as yours, that person will find you, love you, and do just as much to keep you as you do to keep them.

Don’t be afraid to dance naked in the moonlight and wish upon shooting stars. It is far better to bare your soul than to stay inside and wonder what the night breezes would have felt like on your skin.

Life is about priorities and dreaming with fearless abandon. Take a chance. Put it all on the line with someone who believes in you, rather than staying safe with someone who doesn’t step up and give a damn. Believe that you don’t have to settle for being someone’s habit when you know you can be someone’s passion—then do not settle for less than what you know you deserve.

Tell others how you feel, both when it feels good and when it hurts. It takes more bravery to risk looking like a crazy person by letting someone know we care than to let them walk away thinking we weren’t willing to fight. Be brave.

Above all, in all that you do, love yourself with intention. Don’t rely on affirmation or reciprocation, and don’t forget that you’re an amazing, wonderful badass with a lot to give, no matter what.

If you begin to find that you are making yourself smaller for someone else, don’t be afraid to risk loneliness and solitude instead of compromising the important parts of your soul.

You are not broken, and you are worthy of everything you reach for.

Reach for it.

The risks we don’t take will never be rewarded, and sometimes the seeds we plant only become weeds. But sometimes—sometimes they grow deep roots and remain part of our souls.

Take that chance. Plant the seeds, and nurture them with only the most authentic parts of yourself. Don’t just think with your head, but believe in your heart that you are worthy.

Because no matter what you have been through, or what bad decisions you have made in the past, you are worthy. You are enough.


Author: Amanda Christmann

Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Helen Alfvegren/Flickr



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