I’ve been told I’m a difficult woman to love.
Yet, I have no shortage of people who have loved me in my life. None of those loves have been easy nor straightforward.
These loves have torn me apart as I’ve torn them apart, ravished me, broken me open and left me shivering and naked in the cold aftermath.
I’m a woman who loves fiercely, intensely, passionately. I’ve not learned how to hold back—all of me and my soul is poured out as an offering on the altar of my relationships.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and silently beg for my love to be returned.
I often love those who mirror my own pain and damage, who need healing as much as I need healing, who are crooked, bent and badly shaped by life’s turmoil.
I love the damaged ones the most.
I seek fixing and to be fixed.
I rescue those I see in pain and in return, demand total control lest they see into the intimate spaces of me, and recoil in horror at the demons that lurk beneath my seeming openness, cheeriness, the spiritual armor I wear to protect me against the life’s harsh realities that I can’t bear facing.
I’m a tornado of emotion, hopelessly locked in my own suffering, and often unable to see past the swirl of darkness that inhabits my mind—my belief that no one will ever love me as much as I need to be loved.
I’m guilty of being the martyr, the victim and the tyrant. All at once.
But wait. There’s a lighter side, too.
I’m deep. My intense experience of life is mirrored in the way I conduct my existence. I will dive with you into the deepest waters and help reveal you to yourself, just as I have shined light into the darkest parts of myself. I’ll hold on while you take your hero’s journey. I will be here and you won’t feel alone.
I’m real. There’s nothing fake about me. I don’t pretend, and I will never lie to you. My emotions are my skin and I can hide nothing.
I will be your biggest fan. I will support you and encourage you and believe in you. I will give you all the nourishment my own soul needs and build you into a Titan. You’ll accomplish your life’s work with me at your side—this I promise.
I will shower you with love. I will cook for you, eat with you and listen to you. I will take care of you when you’re ill, and when you’re sad. I will listen with empathy.
I’ll teach you how to be vulnerable, how to love fully and openly. I will encourage you to play with me like a child and be nourished by this joy.
I will make you think, wonder—I will always be a surprise. There’s nothing consistent about me and you’ll never get bored.
In return? I’d need your love, accepting of every single part of me and I’ll need you to hold steadfast while I’m in one of my many storms.
You can be my anchor, my safe place, my harbor, my rest. My man.
So you’ll need to be patient, and safe in yourself, strong, unassailable. A fortress. A tree with roots so deep that I can tap into them and finally find a place to call home.
I’ll be your dancing dervish, and shower you in everything I have, if you’ll be my tower of strength, holding and protecting me, keeping me safe and wild and everything in between.
I am a challenge. I have stuff that I need to let go of, to heal. I cry at songs, at nature, at beauty. I feel every small thing, yours and mine and I envelop the world. I’m still finding myself, and will keep looking until I am a wise old lady.
Come with me. Dance with me. Hold me. Let me love you. Take the challenge. I will change your life.
This is What I Know about Love.
Author: Margarita Stoffberg
Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock
Photo: flickr/Katie Tegtmeyer
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