April 8, 2016

Let’s Get Intimate: Do Women Expect Men to be Experienced? {Adult Q & A}


Do you have questions about creating intimacy or developing mindful relationships?
Confusing questions? Awkward ones? Deep, dark scary ones? 

I want them. Email your questions to: [email protected].

All authors remain anonymous. No judgments, just soulful answers.

Q. I have been on a journey recently to discover who I truly am, my wants and desires, without fear of being judged by society. 

I have a minor form of cerebral palsy. I have learned that I need physical touch—it is one of my main love languages. Only one person has ever touched me the way I’ve always needed.  That touch could be a hug or kiss or otherwise.

I want to please a woman, but are women—no matter how much they love and care for you—fearful that you won’t know what you are doing because of the lack of experience?

A. Your quest is a noble one, regardless of your cerebral palsy.

Not many human beings awaken to the soul’s need to individuate—to find a way to be present and active in the world while maintaining loyalty to our True Self. I could end the article right here after saying that if you are looking for a woman (not just any woman, but a fellow evolving being on the path of awakening), your devotion to being the best man you can be in this lifetime is perhaps the most attractive characteristic you could offer her.

Keep on keepin’ on.

But that is not your only question, so I will elaborate on the importance of touch and of male experience in intimacy.

Yes, it is absolutely true that all human beings need physical touch to survive. The fact that you called  touch a “love language” nails it. Touch is a language we all speak and all need to hear. In a recent Psychology Today article, author Ray Williams points out that the digital age is depriving us of necessary physical contact. Now, this is an intimacy column, so I realize you are referring to sexual contact, however the importance of physical connection between humans is much more pervasive than that.

Non-sexual touch promotes trust. It builds bonds that reinforce the unity we share as sentient beings.

When we bring sexual touch into the picture, it is true: Women like their men to be knowledgeable in bed. But what is equally true is that no man knows an individual woman until he becomes deeply intimate with her. Note the word “deeply;” that precludes sexual prowess or technique.

In order to be a good lover, one must pay attention to the person to whom he is making love. It’s the being, not the doing. To put it bluntly, even if a man has mad skills in the sack, they may not work for every woman.

The important thing is to remember that at the core of our being, we want to feel special—that applies to men and women. We want our partner to see the uniqueness we feel in our bones. This is nearly impossible, mind you, but even trying goes a long way.

So how do men educate themselves if they feel they may be lacking in experience?

Take some time to learn about the basics of the female body and how it performs sexually. No one has to know, just hit the books (read: search engines) hard and teach yourself. A few great online resources to learn about human sexuality are:

  • Medical websites
  • Woman-generated sexuality blogs
  • Sacred sexuality sites
  • Men’s and women’s sexuality message boards (specific to what you’d like to learn)
  • Mindful journals that deal in psychospiritual education about sex (like, er, this one)

Do not bother learning from pornography. I have nothing against it, but learning how to make love by watching porn is like learning to be a doctor by watching Grey’s Anatomy. It’s exciting, but it ain’t even close.

In researching, keep in mind that even if you are armed to the teeth with technical knowledge about how to pleasure a woman sexually, it means nothing if you do not connect with her. (For example, does a woman like gentle oral sex? Rough? The answer is: Yes. Some do and some don’t. And some don’t want anything to do with it.)

You have to learn her.

Will a woman reject you outright if you have little experience?

The spirit-driven answer is that unless he’s already been making love to her whole being for a good long while, no man has “experience.” At least not the kind that matters.

The technical answer is twofold: 1. She has no way of knowing unless you tell her. Be present in your lovemaking, bring your learned skills and let her craft them to her liking. 2. If she does reject you, she’s not ready for you. Leave that woman to her journey and find another who is equally eager to learn your True Self as you are to learn her.

Happy loving!


Author: Rachel Astarte 

Editor: Renée Picard

Image: Rina8/Deviantart 

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