May 4, 2016

5 Planets Walk into a Bar: A Tale of 2016 Planet Retrogrades.

earth and milky way

*Eleditor’s note: Astrology isn’t a religion. We’re not sure it’s a science, either. It’s magic, maybe. But, as with feng shui, say, things affect things. So as long as we don’t go blaming our problems on the stars, as long as we assume responsibility for our own actions…well, hell, a little auspicious coincidence and applicable wisdom can’t hurt. And so, with that grain of salt…enjoy!


What do we do when 5 planets are in retrograde? Well, I wrote a little play about it:

Three planets walk into a bar.

“Hey Pluto, what ya doing here?”
“Some soul-searching, Jupiter. I’m retrograding.”

“Me too, dude. Hey, look there’s Mercury! Let’s go sit with him.”
“You’re such a good guy, Jupiter, but you know, Mercury doesn’t really feel like talking when he’s retrograding. And every time I hang out with him during this time in the universe, my stuff always breaks.”

“True. Why are you here though? Shouldn’t you be detoxing anyway, Pluto?”
“Don’t push your luck, Jupiter.”
“Sh*t, Pluto. Trouble’s here. Mars just walked in!”

“What’s up losers?”

“Hey Mars.”

“Don’t be too stoked to see me, you jackasses. Yo bartender. Give me two shots of Jameson and two piña coladas for the two girls over here. And don’t forget the umbrellas.”

“Look guys. Saturn’s here!”
“What the f*ck is ‘dad’ doing here?” Mars yells as he slams down his shot.
“Dude, he’s retrograding too. You know he’s all lazy this time of the year.”

Saturn walks up: “Don’t call me lazy, Pluto. Life’s hard sometimes. Dealing with all the karma which shakes up, yet perfects, the universe. It’s heavy.”

The five planets all start fighting because everyone’s confused about their roles, because they are all retrograding at the same time for the first time in almost 10 years.

Venus walks in the bar.
“Sexy, sexy. Hey girl.” whistles Mars.

“Guys, what are you doing? You know the poor humans and flowers and animals and bugs down on Earth are going crazy right now. They even think y’all are moving backward. Those beautiful souls don’t realize that we’re moving a little slower due to divine timing—instead they are blaming everything on us. Come on, we’ve got to show them how beautiful life is!”

“Venus, honey, beauty queen, sweet heart,” says Saturn. You’re right, because you’re not retrograding. You just keep reminding them of your beauty. But, yeah, we are going to sit right here and let the Earthlings figure out what we’ve been trying to show them since the beginning of time. We’re just chilling, and they gotta chill too. It’s all the pattern of divine work and destiny.”

“Dude, let’s take a picture. I look good tonight and I want to post it on my Instagram. I’ve got like 87 million followers.”

Basic Retrograde Information.

First, when it comes to retrogrades, we’ve gotta remember: this is only happening from Earth’s perspective.

Remember that we are only one part of a bigger reality, nonetheless, our specific story is being affected by all things surrounding us, so the universe affects us all the time, especially during retrogrades because it is out of the planetary norm.

The planets teach us lessons: they all represent something we need to learn. They are archetypes of teachers and we humans, in this Earth walk, are their pupils. Some of us are good students (we do our “hOMework”) and others are bad, numbing our way through life, but the universe loves us all the same.

To be a good students of life, we need awareness. We tend to notice things when they are “wrong” or “backward” or doing something out of the norm.

Please note that planetary retrogrades are natural—constantly happening. Sure, they can make us feel uncomfortable, but the universe is urging us to remember things are only as unbearable as we make it, and everything that happens is for our own good and growth.

Multiple Planetary Retrogrades of 2016:

So what’s going on in our universe? Well, being a humble human, trying to figure out life and just surrendering, here’s a small part of what I figured out.


The planet of communication, he’s here to teach us to express, communicate, use our intelligence and be adaptable. He retrogrades from April 28th to May 22nd (normally three times a year, so we Earthlings are more aware of him than the other planets). When Mercury retrogrades, he’s teaching us lessons in areas of communication and flexibility. The way this looks for us in current society—we encounter the “oh-shit-my-cell-phone-broke-my-life-is-over” situations.

Send love to your throat chakra. Think before you speak. Be conscious of how you communicate and what you use to communicate. Be flexible. Use your intelligence and be open-minded.


Mars is a energy ball (literally). He’s loyal, magnetic, determined, generous, ambitious, strong, courageous, adventurous, peaceful, daring and courteous. When he’s retrograding you may be a bit of a jerk and exhibit aggression, impulsiveness, irresponsibility, recklessness, arrogance, vindictiveness, negativity and anger. Mars retrogrades April 17th-June 29th.

Send love to your third chakra, your ego. There’s no need to fight. Keep your emotions in check. Go for a run or do something active to burn off the extra intensity. Avoid alcohol.


He’s a good guy. He’s the planet of all things good—expansiveness, confidence, fairness, abundance, fortune, success, prosperity and happiness. You always want him around. When he’s not floating close to us we may be more excessive, bossy, controlling, doubtful and an over-working over-achiever. Jupiter’s been retrograding since January 7th and is finishing up in a few days, May 9th.

Send love to your root chakra. Find your happiness. Remember you are lucky, abundant and fortunate.


He is the “father-figure” of the planets teaching discipline, patience, organization, trust and structure. He teaches us about karma and when he’s retrograding we may feel limited. He retrogrades March 25th to August 13th.

Connect with your third eye and crown chakra. Work harder and focus on your growth. Stay disciplined. Honor the lessons as they are all karmic—good or bad.


He is the planet of the self: that place where you understand who you truly are through death, rebirth and transformation. When Pluto’s retrograding you may begin to question yourself. It’s a time for soul searching, connecting with that empty place within. He retrogrades from April 18th to September 26th.

Soul search. Detox. Connect with all parts of yourself in the purest way.

Go on a inner journey to find who you are (you’re just remembering what you’ve known all along).

Advice for the Retrograde:

The planets are moving “slower” in relation to Earth, so we either need to be okay to just chill and let live, as all things are flowing as they need to or we need to step it up and face our issues and feel our feelings. This will help you move on and be a better human—just chill, flow and let live. So this is my advice to you (and I say do this always: retrograde or not).

Ultimately, when we’re better humans, the Earth gets better, and thus the universe gets better.

The planets and universe and our heart and soul teaches us the ultimate lesson is live in love without fear and be adaptable and non-attached, for everything changes.

A play-by-play about how these retrogrades affect each Zodiac sign is just another way to pull us away from the universe’s ultimate lesson—be non-attached and don’t look for the answers outwardly, look inward.

So how will you “survive” this retrograde?

Amazingly, because you possess all the tools within yourself to face anything that happens. Regardless if you’re a good student or bad student of the universe, our Planet teachers are going to keep spinning, spitting out their lessons, so just keep living and learning.


Author: Shawna Schenk

Editor: Ashleigh Hitchcock

Photo: public domain pictures

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