I think reality is changing.
I know that the poles are shifting (NASA confirms this), weather is really getting weird, politics and world economies are morphing. The most profound shift I hear about is how relationships are changing, becoming less codependent and more divinely inspired. Predictions are that the old way of relating to someone has to change, and will change. This is attributed to the fact that our consciousness is shifting out of a physical reality to a more spiritual reality.
To be honest, I am not quite sure what this means, but I can tell you that one of the most incredible relationships I recently experienced is far different than any I’ve had in the past.
Past relationships were based primarily on whether the participants could satisfy basic needs and desires of their partner (think of your grandparents’ relationship). There was the chemistry factor, which is an antiquated way of saying that more needs were satisfied than not. There was also the Cinderella factor—that is, the person you fell in love with may be a magical fantasy you created in your mind and project then on the other person. When the clock strikes midnight and the magic wears off, you are left with someone that you may not even recognize.
The real person, not the one of your imagination. Then there are pheromones, organic compounds and brain chemistry involved, which are out of your scope of control, that may change at any moment. Being a divorce attorney for many years proved that attraction can change almost overnight and people jump in and out of bed with a frightening frequency in an attempt to try and satisfy the need for their “dream mate” to be met.
Guess what? That never happens.
From a socioeconomic perspective, we created a fantasy life reflected in fairy tales of “love at first sight” and commit to long term relationships as the ideal relationship. I grew up being told that humans were one of the few species that were monogamous and love between them was forever. My experience in adulthood was far different; I discovered that pain decides whether a relationship is forever—more than love.
Statistically, more marriages fail than last a lifetime. My observation is that many relationships that did last a lifetime were a painful struggle. In other words, the ideal committed permanent relationship may have died a cultural death, and we pick and choose who we live with based on many factors other than love. Obviously when one partner chooses not to fulfill the needs, desires and fantasies of their partner, the relationship loses its attraction.
So what is the future for relationships and what are they going to look like?
The first thing I have realized about the failure of my past relationships is a lack of maturity. I looked for people who will be more of an incestuous parent than an equal partner. Psychologists predict that most people marry a version of the parent we had the most issues with, hoping that we will finally have a parent who will give us what we needed but didn’t get.
I have found this doesn’t work very well. This is especially true with potential partners who don’t want the responsibility of being my mother. So I had to grow up and stop looking for someone else to make me happy. I had to learn how to make myself happy and share that with someone. When I acted like a child needing something (sex, compliments, validation), the relationship failed. Children and be demanding and also very covert about getting what they want and an adult doing their version of child never goes over well, often times conjuring up resentment and conflict with their partner.
When I act like an adult that offers happiness, commitment and stability, relationships change.
When my sons were growing up, I noticed an amazing thing: the people in their peer group did not split off into couples and begin dating. They stayed together more as a pack and their relationships were based more on the group dynamic than a one-on-one dynamic. Eventually my oldest son bumped into one of these members in a more meaningful way and they now are married. They still have a large group of friends who they interact with, and they did not polarize into a separate unit like my parents did.
Based on this trajectory, I can foresee relationships that are more like intense friendships than codependent polarized units that are separate from everyone else. The real relationship will have to be between our higher selves and us. When we connect with our spiritual core, we enter a state of bliss that does not depend on how someone else is behaving. That takes the responsibility off of our backs to make someone else happy.
This way, people start to take responsibility for their own happiness. The difference between this way of relating and the old ways of relating are epic. When we are strong and compassionate for our partner we can let them be who they are. We do not put any pressure on them to be someone else (who we think we want). We do not fantasize about who they could be to make us happy, because we are already happy and so are they. When we are in this state of being, there is no need to leave to find someone that will make us happy because our partner has ceased making us happy. It allows us both to be free.
There is a lot of fear wrapped around letting someone be who they are because we are afraid they will not like us, chase that fantasy and leave. If we truly loved ourselves, that thought would not manifest.
I am still working on that relationship with myself. Every day.
However, I am happy to report that my other relationships are doing well and I am constantly amazed how much better it gets as my relationship with myself improves. There is more of me available for them when I’m not obsessing on my own shortcomings. In fact, I have manifested the person I always wanted, and ironically she is a lot better than what I was looking for. I can see where we are going, and I believe that it will look far different than anyone can imagine.
Hopefully, soon, divorce lawyers will have to find something else to do with all the new found time on their hands.
Author: James Robinson
Editor: Renée Picard
Image: Andra MIhali at Flickr