May 21, 2016

How to Fire Up Sex, Bask in Humor & Eliminate Obligation.


I was driving down the road with a cute, honest young lady. We were on the way to the lake house in Alabama, in the middle of nowhere. We were stopped at a construction zone, waiting for a pilot car to arrive from the other direction.

The good old boy flagman walked up to the car, looked at my three year old blond companion and said “What’s your name?”

“Harper,” she replied.

“My name is Stumpy,” he said.

“Stumpy, this is ridiculous,” said Harper matter of factly.

Stumpy’s wide smile expanded into a laugh. He didn’t argue with her, act hurt, threaten to divorce her or cuss. He didn’t give her a dirty look, deny her sex, read her the riot act or yell at her.

Stumpy didn’t do any of the sorts of things that we have all done innumerable times to prevent others from saying, “This is ridiculous,” when it is. Instead he took her comment lightly, enjoying the humor!

Harper said what nobody would, but everybody should—and in doing so touched the essence of humor.

Calling things ridiculous that are leads to laughter, and laughter is one of the great aphrodisiacs. Sex catches fire and burns bright when you can call something ridiculous that is.

There is so much ridiculous in sex and relationship that, if you are trying to avoid being ridiculous, you had better move to a convent or expect a life without humor or sex.

Laughter gets the fire going

Moe and I were sitting on the front porch making sure that the sun set correctly.

“This is ridiculous,” said Moe.

In the last few weeks we have learned that any conversation about relationship, sex or the human condition ought to begin with the phrase, “This is ridiculous,” because, for the most part, it is.

Beginning with that phrase has resulted in replacing somber and serious words with bursts of spontaneous laughter. In this context of laughter we discovered two things that regularly influence sex in predictable ways: orgasms and obligation.

Orgasms ignite sex.

Obligation turns even a raging sexual moment or loving relationship into a pile of ashes.

We all know what orgasms are, but we may not realize the role they play—and obligation is what Moe, in her Scottish accent, calls “Pish.”


Orgasms are the bomb, the sound and view of the yellow Lotus disappearing in front of you when the light turns green, and the feeling astronauts have seconds after launch.

When it comes to orgasms the more the merrier, and while shared orgasms are better than solo, either will do. Multiples are fine, and anybody, male or female, can cultivate the ability to have them. But to do so we have to relentlessly court our sensations, think less and set the illusion of control free, like a helium balloon, floating rapidly out of view.

Orgasms remind every tiny nerve from our fingers to our toes, from our ear lobe to our belly button, that all is well in the world. Orgasm offers a do over, and a reminder that the two of us are together for a reason: to call in an energy that none of us can control but all of us enjoy.

Orgasms, or as pirates call them, “argasms,” may be the only aspect of sex and relationship that aren’t ridiculous, they are the punch line and everything else is just laughable.


Obligation offers a hermetically sealed straight jacket, the feeling of being stuck in a box while the amateur magician slowly saws you in half, or the gulping of spoiled milk when you realize that it isn’t going to stay down.

Obligation puts out sexual fire. And it is sneaky.

Obligation is our primary motivator. We pay our taxes because we have to, we go to the grocery store when we are nearly out of food and have sex because it is expected of us. We seldom stop to ponder what we want amidst all that we “must” do.

You can’t be present and obligated at the same time. Obligation chases orgasm, sexy sex and humor away.

Tell a kid that he has to swing for an hour and swinging becomes work.

Tell a spouse that they have to have sex or, worse yet, must orgasm, and obligation replaces freedom, putting the brakes on what might otherwise have been a perfectly fine relationship.

Obligation sneaks in like breath, without us noticing. To attain spiritual heights, many Eastern pursuits focus attention on the breath.

To discover who you are without the burden of obligation focus your attention on obligation. Discover obligation soaking up many times its weight in humor and sexual energy.

Resist the temptation to resist obligation. Resistance has obligation go underground, having its way with us without us noticing. Welcome obligation, noticing how it makes even something you want to do instantly less joyful.

Obligation is a field of nuns with paddles waiting for a shot at you; it is an unrelenting editor of self expression, with us seeking, at all costs, to please someone from the outside in, when happiness only happens from the inside out.

Few people regularly wear a tight collar and short leash. But that is what obligation offers. It tames us by breaking our spirit.

Coming together

Relationship isn’t ridiculous, but how seriously we take it is. Love isn’t ridiculous, but all the things we have done in the name of it are. Sex isn’t ridiculous, but taking the simple act of it seriously is.

But when we call something ridiculous humor shows up, we are three years old again telling the truth without obligation. Stumpy, your friends and lovers laugh. And when they do they experience life as light and joyful.

That lightness is a bit like a psychological orgasm or seriousness exorcism. It leaves us open to more sex and many orgasms.

It creates a natural vigilance that keeps obligation at bay, fires up our sexual energy and has us remember that we are creatures of light: on fire with love, and deeply connected to each other.

Orgasm is the gas, obligation the brakes, and ridiculous the context in which we can move through life experiencing orgasm, sex and laughter all the while.





Author: Jerry Stocking

Editor: Travis May

Photo: Pixabay

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