Q. I am a woman who is easily mocked by others due the fact that I “don’t fit” and “don’t behave” like I should.
I don’t like to use makeup or wear expensive clothes (I am kind of a pajamas person), I don’t have the habit of going out frequently. It makes me a person with a tiny social life and circle of friends. I am not lucky with guys either. They see me more as a boy, and frequently the guys I am interested in treat me like a little brother/sister. I avoid having physical contact with other people (due to some abusive relationships), which makes people mock me even more.
A few weeks ago, an old colleague of mine was passing by my hometown in Bolivia. He came to spend the holidays with his parents. There was something about him that caught my attention. With the help of a friend of mine (I am horrible at flirting), I started a conversation with him. It was just some words or photos by Snapchat and hours between them. There was something inside me that told me I should insist, even though I was not receiving signals that I should.
I discovered that I would be at the same party as him, so something inside me just became warm and cozy, like “That is your chance, grab it!” even knowing that we would just be friends, nothing more.
Saturday we went to the party, and my friend told me that he said he was interested in me. I thought that she was joking, but then, when he came back he kissed me.
It had been seven months since I had physical interaction with another guy but it was completely different. I was not scared or even overthinking. I was only able to think in present time, and I was delighted with that. I had no fear, no trembling members, no dark thoughts. I was happy because he was with me, and the one thing that I wanted was to keep kissing. After the party, I invited him to go to another event in two weeks. He said that he was going to check his agenda and then call me to buy a ticket. Then we said goodbye to each other.
I have never felt so comfortable with a person before, at least someone of the opposite sex. I know that he lives in another country but my heart says, “Don’t give up, fight until your last breath.” However, while I keep imagining a thousand ways that our relationship could go, a part of me just keeps thinking how immature I am being. I am a grown woman. I should stop fantasizing about a guy I was with for one night. We don’t have a relationship, and I’m almost sure that I will not see him again. But it breaks me apart.
I have to take a stand, but I am not able to choose without knowing what is waiting for me, and I am scared to know what is waiting for me. How can I proceed?
A. One thing I can guarantee you is that your non-traditional female approach to life is not what’s making you unlucky in love. It’s your closed heart.
Because you’ve experienced abuse in previous relationships, I can understand completely why you’ve built a wall around your self. I don’t know how long you’ve lived aligned with a more traditionally male aesthetic in your life, but I can assume you feel some comfort of the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” variety.
It’s much safer to be seen as a sibling, rather than a lover. Being a lover, as you’ve experienced, can be an exhausting exercise in fluctuating emotions—passion, terror, bliss, doubt, self-aggrandizement and self-destruction. But here’s the deal—if you stay a sibling, you will never evolve into a partner.
Now, I do not at all endorse the materialistic, Gucci-clad, pushed-up, puffed out, made-up, high-heeled version of femininity (unless that’s your calling). We women are a panoply of fabulosity however we present in the world. But I am asking you to look at what makes you so comfortable living on the fringe—besides the pajamas, which I grant you, are incredibly comfortable.
(Speaking of pajamas, are they the only alternative to expensive clothing and makeup? Can you find a middle way that celebrates the woman you truly are? Perhaps by looking at the core of your question you can gain more clarity about that.)
So you had an amazing night with a man who made you forget your closed heart. He made you feel good, which you needed—and which you now realize you never again want to live without. This is a blessing from your highest self! It is the highest self that’s saying, “Don’t give up. Fight until your last breath.” And she’s right.
So why does it feel so bad? Because you’ve confused the messenger for the message. In effect, this man unlocked your heart. But don’t fall in love with the locksmith. Remember, he did not wake you up, it is you who woke up. You were ready, and so you did. This man happened to be the one on which you chose to shine your newly found light.
Does that mean it’s over with this man? Of course not. Maybe he’s The One—or maybe not. That’s his journey, not yours. What I’m inviting you to do is hold fast to the treasure you just unearthed in his arms: You feel—and you feel deeply without overthinking, without fear and with the conviction that feeling feels right. Hold that treasure and do not give it up to him or any other lover you may have in the future. Share the wealth of your love, sure, but never forget you are its rightful owner.
Author: Rachel Astarte
Editor: Yoli Ramazzina