May 10, 2016

Why Relationships are Always Worth the Work. 

Dmitry Ratushny/Unsplash

I used to listen to my now former partner vent about her day and prior to understanding my own empathy, I’d find myself fighting her fight with her—often getting frustrated at seeing the solution to what she could not.

I’d end up in an argument with her because I was withholding the truth—even if it would have been painful to hear or say.

Instead, we can simply hold space for someone to vent while waiting for them to calm before simply suggesting a solution or better yet, asking if they’d like our advice—all without taking this experience personally.

Afraid of hurting her feelings, yet overwhelmed by the energy of the matter, I was only serving as her anchor rather than her sail.

Intervention and a few moments of meditative silence together might help calm situations down so new insights might be reached and shared.

I wish I’d simply have told her like I saw it from my perspective but from the highest place I could come from in the moment.

The best moment would be when we could offer our best to our partner—but this might require a little time apart to create this space.

There will be many tries and people who’ve cultivated intimacy into their relationship will have the opportunity to experience a closer bond when things are challenging.

There will be times of laughter, tears, remorse and all kinds of insecurities for two people to work through—an all-encompassing journey into soul progression.

We were closest to one another when facing tremendous adversity at that point in our lives—each dealing with separate family matters and personal issues not excluding our relationship itself.

Relationships are about soul growth. They are two compatible people routinely working together on keeping their commitment alive, by avoiding the comfort traps that befall so many couples.

Comfort traps include:

Routines that promote laziness and apathy (television routine.)

Lack of communication over time (space for one another to open up and engage.)

Co-dependency (lacking the volition to carry out one’s own independent needs.)

Taking one another for granted (assuming this relationship will simply last without dual effort.)

Assuming we know that our partner’s needs are met simply because they’ve not been voiced (we must ask our significant other how they’re doing, feeling, what’s lacking, what’s burdening or smothering them.)

Lack of diversity (travel, walking, exploring and spontaneity.)

Where does the creativity lie within the relationship—that space for individual expression and childlike expansion to thrive and meld as a partnership too?

We must be doing something each day that makes us appreciate our relationship.

Spontaneity always spiced up our relationship which also measured its overall health as well—whether we could embrace it or if it was resisted out of fear.

Kind deeds help to let them know we care and value them.

The small, simple things made her feel special, even when it might have seemed insignificant to me and vice versa—surprising our partner with a gift or kind words does wonders, especially if it originated from our heart or was created with our hands.

We must take care of our own states of health first so that we might show up as our best self for our partner.

Self-care was definitely lacking in our relationship and this took a toll on our mentality eventually.

Balance is key to harmonizing ourselves—whatever that means to each individual so we might offer some semblance of balance to our partnership when that inevitable time calls for it.

Arguments often stemmed from something that was not related to the disagreement itself.

Sit down together and dig deep as to why we’re confrontational to begin with.

Allow this space for one another to open up freely without judgement.

This is not the time to debate who’s right or wrong about whatever it was that was likely irrelevant to begin with—it’s time to listen and come to terms with one another; an agreement or compromise for example.

It’s important to recognize the beauty in its dysfunction, the role we’re playing in influencing this arrangement and the modest imperfections that make this bond so unique and splendid.

I’ve learned over time that a relationship is based solely on our perception.

There was a time when all I could do was focus on her flaws and thus she’d inevitably act them out.

We bring out one another’s flaws subconsciously—whatever resides within us (what we believe about ourselves), we’ll project onto them and they will reflect accordingly.

She distorted my reality and my subjective views on how to conduct ourselves in life. It brought out my insecurities and fear based beliefs so I might eventually liberate myself from such destructive behaviors.

Partnerships mirror everything between two people on some level and it’s a glorious experience to consciously choose love and growth together. This will inevitably require work and will surely be worth it on so many levels if we simply choose to take the plunge.


Author: Thayne Ulschmid

Editor: Sara Kärpänen

Photo: Ezra Jeffrey / Unsplash & Insomnia Cured Here/Flickr 

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