June 18, 2016

Dear Lover: This Time I’m Not Looking Back.

Pixabay: https://pixabay.com/en/bathing-beach-swimmer-girl-1031594/

“Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.” ~ author unknown


There were times when goodbye seemed to taste only of bitterness—the bitterness of what-if—but now the time has come when there is no room left in my life for what could have been.

It no longer matters what could have grown between us, because I was (and I still) remain a bet that you were never able to wager your faith upon.

I’m not sad, nor am I bitter—it’s just that sometimes when we move on, we have to actually make the choice to not look back.

The reason I’m not saying that it is over between us for good, is because I know better than to think I know more than fate does—but what I am saying is that this time I’m not looking back, and I’m not going to make it so easy for you to find me if (once again) you feel your heart being pulled toward a girl with stars in her eyes.

I’m not running away from you, because I’ve also learned that no matter how far I run, you always seem to find me when I least expect or want you to.

I’m simply leaving this place where my walls are down and my heart is ripe and bleeding, waiting for the only thing that I ever truly wanted. It’s become as impossible to leave as the idea of staying was, but a woman knows when she isn’t wanted, and I’m not the type of woman to beg.

Because I know that even if you don’t want me, there’s someone else out there who’s just dreaming of finding a woman like me.

In truth, I still dream of you—and those dreams haunt me, because more often than not, I see the reality of these scenes playing out long after I’ve awoken. But I’ve come to the point that I have to stop wondering why I dream about you and why I can still feel your soul even more than the touch of your skin.

Because sometimes, it just hurts too much to wonder what if?—especially when our hearts whisper the answers that we can’t bear the pain of hearing.

But before I leave this place, I just want you to know that although I won’t look back this time, it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving you.

It doesn’t even mean that you are any less the man who has taken my life by storm; it only means that I can’t stay here waiting for you any longer.

I can’t keep having hope, when I know you have no desire.

And the thing is, my love—all I’ve ever wanted was someone to stay.

But I know that maybe—for now, and possibly for longer—you can’t be that man for me, no matter how much I wish that the truth echoed differently in heart.

So this time, I’m promising myself to not look back—and to try to forget that I loved you as deeply as my heart did. I’m blinking away tears through the smiles, knowing that this has been coming for some time.

Nothing has really changed, except that I can’t lie to myself any longer, because I know that if by my side was really somewhere you wanted to be—you’d be here by now.

And if you were the one who wanted to be my warrior, then you would have shown me that not only was it okay to let down my walls, but you would have been there to meet me on the other side once they were down.

I don’t wish to twist life into something other than it is—and so, with a kiss upon your soft lips, I’m going to turn and leave now.

I’m going to begin erasing your name from my body, knowing that there is a possibility I will always be able to read the language your hands spoke.

However, I also wish you love.

I believe that I love differently than others do, but maybe that’s also why I have no one who loves me. I know that different doesn’t always mean better—and that sometimes, if it’s so easy for someone to walk away and pretend we meant nothing, then it might mean that we actually didn’t.

Perhaps my heart is just hurting, and maybe I mean only a fraction of these words—or possibly, it’s just that I’m giving my fears a chance to stand up and be heard, so that I can finally understand where they are coming from.

Either way, maybe I’m just not going to look back this time, because I can’t stand to see you watching me walk away.

With trembling fingertips and salty tears, it seems that sometimes I don’t know if I am strong enough to not love you, but the only thing worse than loving the person we shouldn’t, is loving someone who doesn’t want to love us back.

Maybe I needed a one-sided love for far too long, if only to learn how I want to be loved. But now it’s not just about wanting someone to make my body ache under his skillful fingertips or tasting myself upon his wet lips—this time I know that while I am whole, I do still need another.

That it’s the bitter truth—that I need someone. And not just someone to f*ck my body, but someone to hold my heart.

And no matter how many chances we both gave each other, you never were able to take that last step towards me.

So now my only choice is to turn and slowly walk away…

I’m hoping that maybe this time you’ll stop me—but I’m also realizing that, just like before, this is a path I am meant to walk alone.

I’ll still love you—just as I always have and perhaps for longer than I want—but someday, you might just turn into a name which finally doesn’t hurt to say anymore.

But for now, all I can do is just not look back this time.


Author: Kate Rose

Image: Pixabay

Editors: Yoli Ramazzina; Katarina Tavčar

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