July 6, 2016

The 15-year-old Truth that Helped me See how Far I Have Come.

Recently, I stumbled upon something I wrote 15 years ago. As I read it, I got chills.

It so accurately reflected the exact situation I’m living at this moment. I could not escape the incredible synchronicity of it.

It reminded me that my destiny not only follows me, but is alive in me. Depression kept it dormant for 20 years, but my truth was still brilliantly and meticulously planted. It had just been waiting on me to bloom.

I have no recollection of writing it. I’m amazed that I had the balls at the time to voice the truth it contains, if only privately in my journal. On the other hand I’m disappointed that, while I could write my truth, I most certainly couldn’t live it at that time.

But the beauty of it, what it proved to me is that it’s okay if our truth lies dormant for a long time—perhaps a lifetime. It’s part of the plan. My theory is this: Just like in the movie, Sliding Doors, even if we take a miserable detour for a while, there are lessons to be learned along the way. No experience is ever wasted. In the end, we still end up exactly where we are supposed to be. Always.

Fifteen years ago, when I expressed these feelings, I was merely scratching the surface of what I know now. Because I’m a sensitive being, a self-described empath in fact, I carry a lot of emotion. I feel and express things deeply. People I was close to in my life 15 years ago (mostly family members), did not understand the weight of my hyper-sensitive capacity. Even I didn’t understand it at the time.

Because I was often told not to be so sensitive or dramatic, I repeatedly suppressed and repressed my emotions. I nearly always felt as though I was not good enough. I never felt like I fit in. The truth that I spoke was an attempt, a plea actually, to claim acceptance “as is.”

It was a “take me as I am” manifesto to others as much as it was a declaration to myself to give myself the respect, time and attention that I desperately craved and deserved. To actually love myself, despite any flaws—real or imagined—and despite any limitations that may have held me back in the past.

While my heart knew this truth 15 years ago, I did not have the knowledge, understanding, experience, or courage to actually live out this manifesto until today.

This is what has made the difference:

1. I accepted complete and total responsibility for my life, including the bullsh*t stories I was telling about why I was in the position I was in.

2. I started therapy and specifically asked for a therapist who would call me on my bullsh*t so I would stop telling the same old stories and create new, more positive narratives.

3. I did a sh*t-ton of complementary treatments to reinforce the work I was doing with my therapist: coaching, Reiki, healing touch, chiropractic adjustments, massage therapy, and supplementation for gut health (there is a proven gut/brain connection).

4. I learned how to love myself wholeheartedly and unashamedly. Truly, everything begins and ends with loving ourselves.

5. I started dancing and moving my body in positive ways (including sexually).

Thanks to the knowledge, understanding, experience, and courage I’ve obtained over the last 15 years, when I read my long lost manifesto, I was overjoyed to see that I have bloomed where I was planted. My destiny is alive and I’m proud to be living it.

For those who are struggling, as I was, to find their way, I hope this 15-year-old declaration of intention may help you take the first steps on your path to wholeness and brilliance:

We can choose to expect something to be or not be, or we can experience what it is.

I’m not waiting for my ship to come in. I’m not going to delay happiness until I finish school, get a better job, get married, have more money in the bank, have more friends, or decide what I want to do with my life.

I choose to live life now—in the moment with all its imperfections and limitations. The fact is: this is my life. I have chosen to be exactly where I am at exactly this time.

No, it’s not ideal, but it’s much better than average. At 30, I have accomplished more than some do in a lifetime. But it’s not about accomplishment. It’s about love, kindness, understanding and freedom.

Life is made up of love of self and others, kindness toward self and others, understanding of self and others, and freedom from expectations. There are no expectations, only experiences. 

Life is beautiful and spacious, lasting, and touching—a series of carefully orchestrated moments in time.

We respect others only as much we respect ourselves and we trust others only as much as we trust ourselves. 

No position is right or wrong—each position simply is. Each of us chooses our own path and paves it with different experiences. 

Feelings are never too intense, too sensitive, too anything. When we express our feelings we are neither mad nor crazy. We are expressive beings. We should not judge others because their response is not congruent with ours.

I am also responsible for my feelings—for the way I express them and their potential consequences.

Instead of reacting based on old patterns or the way we’ve always done things, we can soften and broaden our hearts and learn to appreciate sensitivity as one of our super-powers.

I am a sensitive person with a heart full of memories. Plenty of memories are happy and some memories are sad. By standing up for myself, I soften the edges of the sad ones. Or, even better, I release them as they no longer serve me.

I choose not to harbor pain—I’ve done it for too long. 

What I ask for—my deepest desire—is to be accepted, by myself and others. Not in part, or up to a certain point, or until I see things a different way. I want to be accepted now. For who I am, exactly as I am, flawed as I may be.

But I am not complete on my own. No one is. We all need each other.

We are connected to each other—to those with different skills, expectations, feelings, memories, and perspectives than us—for a reason. It is a beautiful and perfect design which helps us to see different perspectives, to learn from each other, and to grow by touching one another’s lives.

Instead of pushing away that which is different, pull it in. There is so much beauty in this patchwork, if we choose to weave together.


Author: Melissa Drake

Image: @elephantjournal on Insta

Editors: Khara-Jade Warren; Katarina Tavčar


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