September 18, 2016

If you hadn’t Come Back—I wouldn’t have Known I was Over You.

Author's own: Kate Rose

“She decided she had enough. And that was it. She was gone.” ~ unknown


Thank f*ck you are not the one for me.

My lips are pressed together in the giddy smile of a woman who has finally learned what she was previously too blind to see—that I really and truly have moved on from you.

You played me like a fine-tuned instrument for far too long, and I succumbed each and every time—against my better judgement—always hoping it would end differently.

All along, we masqueraded as just friendsyet friends have never f*cked like we have.

At one point, I thought you were so damn perfect for me, because you seemed to encompass the life I should have—even though I was still kidding myself about what kind of life I truly needed.

You were vanilla and white bread, but I’ve always favored chocolate and pumpernickel. I don’t know why I had such a hard time becoming comfortable with my own preferences, but now that I have, I just can’t go back.

I can’t go back to the time when I thought you were the man for me.

Although I never wanted you to leave, now that you have, I don’t want you to come back.

When you first came back—spinning sad stories of a man who dreams of the one who got away, while cradling the woman that he loves in his arms—I was mad.

I was furious that you thought you had the right to come back into my life, talking like you did, while you still went to bed each night with someone else. You never had any regard for my life, but I think that the biggest mistake you made was thinking that just because I did love you then, it meant I always would.

My love is not something that I hold on to or dish out when I am getting nothing in return—and so when you walked away, I let my love for you go.

I’ve grown and changed—and the reality is, I am not that same woman you could never make a decision about.

I’m more me now than you’ve ever known, and I don’t need you to make sense of my life anymore—and I no longer need to cling to our story-line in order to believe in love.

Yes, we did have a connection, but I don’t think it was a once in a lifetime feeling. And yes, we had good sex—but you weren’t the best I ever had. That title is reserved for someone else.

You were a wonderful friend, but you also played a lot of games, especially with my heart and the bitter promise of “someday.” Well, I’m sorry to ruin your long term plans, but there is no “someday” for us.

This is the end of our story, because I have finally seen that you were never what I truly needed. We would have made a nice pretty picture of life, but I’m no longer chasing after a pretty picture to be admired. I want to create a sculpture that just feels damn good.

And before you even ask—yes, there is someone else.

Maybe there always was, because the secret I have always hid from you is that I bounced back and forth between the two of you for longer than I actually care to keep track of at this point.

I needed to experience you both, in my own way, but there was one key difference. He could make me forget about the existence of any other man—but no other man (including you) could make me forget about him.

I wanted to forget, because he is not the man I had thought I should end up with. But something I’ve learned is that I don’t get to choose which body his soul occupies in this life—and though it is delicious, my attraction to him goes far beyond the physical.

Every time he broke my heart, I would run to you to fix it—to try to sink myself into the suburban dreams of houses and normality, hoping that one day I would forget about that man with the dark eyes, who always seemed to be the only one to look right through me.

But no matter how far I ran, it was never far enough to be rid of him for good. So when you left, I finally had no place to run. It was through the lack of distraction that I finally made the choice to stay, and not keep running from the man who I’ve always loved.

I don’t know what the future may hold—and while time sometimes seems to make fools of even the most surefooted of souls, I also believe the time for me and you has sincerely passed.

I would never have known that had you not come back.

And so—even though I was upset and rattled—I realize now that I was still trying to reread a familiar old fairy-tale, except ours was never meant to find that happy ending. And now, I’m glad; because if we had, I don’t think that’s where I am supposed to be.

There has always been another life calling to me, with undertones of the exotic, and nights that seem to burn long after they’ve passed. And now, thanks to you, I embrace those moments, instead of becoming scared and denying myself the very thing that I want the most.

So thank you for coming back—even if just for a moment.

Thank you for telling me how I cross your mind whether your sleeping or awake, and thank you for feeling that our connection was something of value.

But also—and perhaps most of all—thank you for leaving my life. And not just then, but now too.

Because sometimes we really have to move on, and the truth is: I’m so glad I finally did.


Author: Kate Rose

Image: Author’s own.

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

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